Sometimes you just be thinking while dumping mulch around blueberry bushes

Matt, what do you be thinking about while mulching a row of blueberries?

Thinking about Life
Fence painting and mulching rlly do it

Thinking about what me from middle school would think of me now. What I, when given the chance, think of me now.

I think she (at the time) would have a lot of peace over my physical transition. Cis passing, uneventful top surgery with great results, tattoos, a good physique.

However predominantly I think I'd be taken aback by where I ended up at 21, nearly 22.

In middle school I was up in the top % of my classes. Most all of those peers have graduated college and many are going to pursue masters. It's the nature of prep school kids.

By 21 I barely graduated highschool after failing in 2016, and am the not-so-proud haver of 2 dead end jobs. I wanted to go into environmental science. Now I have a prematurely bad back and the highlight of my day Monday was hosing cow shit out of a trailer for 3 hours.

I have had a lot of mental growth, but I still don't have meds that work and my depression is arguably as bad as it has ever been. I don't make art any more, and am completely barred from going to college until I can fix the part of my brain that just won't work.

Counting my rocky years of barely getting by in highschool, I have been effectively spinning my tires for like 7 years?? That just Feels Bad. Wasted time isn't quite it, but it sure does ring like that sometimes. Lots of it out of my control.

Before 30somethings and optimistic 20somethings jump in and say "Oh but you have so much time! Nobody really "has it figured out" by 21"

Like yeah that's true and I live by that. But I wish I had at least been building a good foundation. Doing something. Accomplishing something.

With mental illness and being gay/trans, a lot of people are just glad they're alive. Glad they made it to adulthood. But I always knew I wasn't going to kill myself. As low as I ever got, that wasn't it. So I can't take solace in surviving? That bar is too low. Doesn't apply.

There's not really a point to this thread. Probably should be on my locked account but I also don't care that much. Just ultimately dissatisfied with pretty much every facet of my life. Thinking about how disheartening it would be if I saw it coming.

I am endlessly thankful for the wonderful friends I have made. To *anyone* who hits me up from time to time, I appreciate it immensely. Even if I'm slow to respond or can't get around to it, do know that it makes my day every time. Knowing that people independently think of me?

It really is the best thing.

Also nobody needs to worry about me. I'm in therapy, I'm on meds, I am getting career counseling soon. I'm as on top of my shit as I possibly can be.

New job just gives me a little too much reflecting time and some extra things to reflect on lol

Tl;dr: largely pointless thread where Matt lightly digs into the past 7 years and explains that he is largely dissatisfied with life but very thankful for friends

I feel like I missed some of my key points here but I ran out of time to finish it on my lunch break RIP
Yall get the gist.