The desire to literally burn down society and piss on the ashes doesn't come from madness, sociopathy or "degenerate mentality," it comes from making civilized and reasonable requests of that society and constantly getting told they're impossible and unreasonable.

I'm not into "hahaha, let's intentionally let everything get as bad as possible and all of the people who didn't lift a finger to help can die along with me" nihilism but it's genuinely more easy to empathise with those people now than it is to empathise with conservatives now.

Like for fuck's sake, I sincerely accept the possibility that I would be a basic-bitch both-sides "the Tories aren't so bad" centrist right now had capitalism just given me a decent job that accommodates for the difficulties that my high-functioning autism causes.

The reason that there's very, very little leftist terrorism is because almost every strain of left wing belief requires a great deal of empathy, way too much to harm innocent people. For all that we're demonised by the media as violent and savage, they know we aren't.

But that empathy, that kindness that is endemic to the left, it also makes existing just... exhausting. We're literally watching a slow-motion trainwreck as hundreds of thousands, possibly millions of people are being sentenced to a slow death because capitalism demands it.

And there's this urge that I've felt over the past few days to say "fuck it, you know what? If these right-wing fuckers are so desperate to die, they can write a signed note that says 'I refuse all medical treatment,' carry it around and make burial arrangements for themselves."

It isn't hard to imagine legitimate and perfectly righteous anger turning into brutal nihilism because the solutions to these problems are so simple and the systems that are killing people aren't even efficient, they're wasteful and unproductive and could be so easily replaced.

When some percentage of the population have openly become literal death cultists it makes it hard to continue to see their humanity. I struggle with it. I imagine a lot of people have already failed.

And I understand it can be difficult when we are asking for the powerful to help people, to care for its citizens, and they just don't give a fuck. It's difficult to believe in a better world when you see cruelty, and even more difficult when you see apathy.

But we have to try.

Because we deserve happiness. Because we deserve comfort. Because we deserve a life as rich and fulfilling and interesting as the wealthy. Because we deserve clean air and fresh water and good food, and a planet that people can live on without poison or war.

Transphobes keep telling me to "join the 41%." When they say that, they demonstrate how little they understand that statistic, but also how little they understand ME.

I've TRIED giving up, and I've discovered that I CAN'T. I can't stop going, and I can't stop trying.

I can't give up on my friends.
I can't give up on my family.
I can't give up on my followers.
I can't give up on prison abolition.
I can't give up on trans rights.
I can't give up on the hope of a better world.

I just wish I had a better idea of how to get there.

I can't give up as long as there's still a sliver of hope that things will get better, and I think even if there wasn't any hope at all I'd still fight anyway, just out of pure spite and rage.

I don't believe in any god so that's the closest thing I have to a prayer.