Like many others, I grew up as kind of an outsider. Between mental health stuff, being trans, a dad who came to the country as a refugee and me just being plain awkward, I never really fit into any groups. I was never really part of something and it still feels like that often.

The intense fomo that comes from these experiences is something I've been working on fighting for years but I'm not very good at it.

I still have literal nightmares about it now and then (guess why I am awake right now) coupled with a few well timed breakdowns.

To be honest, at this point it is far better, if nothing else, because I am not being gatekept from joining things like I used to be. I am fairly well liked in the circles that matter to me and loved by the people who matter most.

My exclusion is now more self inflicted.

I just don't enjoy certain things that would make me part of "groups" & identity constructions. And that's ok. Or at least it should be ok and I desperately want it to be ok. I'm not sure how well I'm doing on that front right now...

As I said, it's not really all that rational.

One thing I do know, is that sub culture in general has a tendency to form monoliths that make you feel like "to be y, to fit in with your friends or those you want to befriend, you need to do/enjoy x".

I especially feel that in online circles.

Add to that Twitter's tendency to turn private niceties & compliments into public declarations of friendship/attraction/love etc. That keep getting thrown our way even when we are not involved at all, & you have the perfect basis for this kind of anxiety (quarantine doesn't help)

Im not sure I have a point, I just needed to type out my anxieties in the hopes of getting a bit more sleep once it is out and once I'm not scared of falling back into the same nightmare.

I'm not sure how well I'm doing on that front but the anxiety will pass eventually.

Thank you to everyone who seems to actually enjoy my company. Y'all are weird and I'm not sure I'll ever get why you would, but I'll take it.

And thank you to the few people who actually managed to convince me that they don't secretly hate me. Y'all are keeping me alive