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It& #39;s really wierd to think of it this way, given how conservative my family is, but there were a lot of communistic lifestyle choices made in my home growing up. They glaze over it by calling everyone family, but I& #39;m told it was different from the traditional American experience
like my family had an open door policy. basically the front door was never locked and people could come and go. neighbors, family, friends etc. My grandmother watched & raised more than just our family& #39;s kids even with cancer. We very regularly held dinners for groups of people.
Holidays for us also included other families. not just one or two friends, but their entire extended (local) families too. and everyone got gifts and goodie bags. they still made bags for our roommate even though we don& #39;t live together anymore.
they played cards every week with friends who often brought their kids. I was raised as a cousin to people I wasn& #39;t related to. we also traveled around to other houses to do the same for years. I& #39;m told this is a lot more excessive than just having friends over now and then
when we went grocery shopping, we were the family that got two or three carts full of things. we weren& #39;t wealthy at all but would often share pantry goods with others in need and even trade out with some. we had 4 freezers full of meat and made noodles to share with everyone.
anytime I& #39;ve talked about my family with others, it& #39;s met with skepticism. I& #39;ve brought friends over for what I called SuperChristmas and that changed, but they never understood why I hated it so much. "It& #39;s like a hallmark movie, it& #39;s perfect. you have such a great family"
the truth is, my family might have cared so much about putting up this appearance of being perfect that they forgot why they even did it (my great grandparents were even more outgoing before they passed, and it was carried on) they were bitter and hateful people to the core
late night after most of the guests left a party and it was just their "real friends" they spent hours talking shit about the others. it& #39;s like all that kindness went away, and I often got caught up in it. I was the subject of a lot of talk. my grades my skills, my attitude
the way I was treated at home, I was just another tool they used to maintain this air of perfection. another decoration. I certainly did more than my fair share of cooking and cleaning, running errands, scrubbing toilets. multiple times a week for these events. not "just chores"
I felt like a disappointment, like I wasn& #39;t good enough, and honestly it was true. I was a failure to them, they said so. and I& #39;m still struggling with figuring myself out today, I was never given much chance to as a kid. the only time I had to myself were times I could get away
I became close to a few other kids, a few guys a bit older but near my age at the time. they knew my family, & treated me as more than friends. I felt special, & I did things nobody that age should have been doing. but I felt wanted, so I kept at it. that messed me up a lot tbh
I think part of what really hurt, was knowing how much of a failure I was, but seeing them show love and support for all those other people. knowing it wasn& #39;t genuine made it worse, and now they& #39;ve been trying to be a part of my life again but I don& #39;t trust them to be genuine
I was hospitalized, quite literally on my deathbed, and that was the only time they seemed to show genuine support. and again, during this lockdown my dad called and sounded genuinely concerned. Me? I didn& #39;t fall for it. their hypocrisy was legendary and knows no bounds.
this thread has gotten away from me, and I guess I& #39;m rambling like a villain giving a monolouge haha. but I was just thinking about this and needed to talk about it, to put my life story on display. I guess I want to feel seen. I want to feel special, but on my terms this time.
Maybe I& #39;m the hypocrite?
