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I lie to my counselor to make him feel good and I don’t enjoy that about myself.
I know it’s not healthy but I tell myself if I can make him feel good I will feel good about myself. We love to see the codependency emerge in a new way- trying time corrupt the relationship with the person trying to help me be happier.
I want to tell him the truth as an exercise of vulnerability but I feel like I would disappoint him- my rational side realizes that he’s a professional and I’m sure he’s either aware or prepared to take that kind of news.
On one hand I see an opportunity to face the truth and redeem myself. The other hand is a path of more lies and more false narratives to service a need that’s ultimately going to continue to hurt me.
But the comfort of making someone else satisfied and proud of you is so much more gratifying immediately- it’s an instant high with an exponential low. I want to be genuine, but I’m a junkie for recognition
If I did tell him, I would fear that I wouldn’t be able to get my information across in a concise fashion- it would be scattered: I like to toss in extra unnecessary information to buy time while I think. I feel that I am a more competent writer than I am a speaker.
This medium would allow me to be honest without the nervousness and procedural path generation that accompanies conversation. I have more control. I’m honestly thinking of just sending him this thread.
