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ok so i’m currently trying to make the best out of quarentine so i’m gonna rant about everything that’s been on my mind lately starting now. i honestly don’t have any active followers so i’m sorry if i’m being annoying just mute me.
ok. first things first college. recently i’ve been having trouble w deciding where i wanna go. i wanna go out of state to get a fresh start, there’s a school i want to go to with an AMAZING program for me and also just a very good vibe
and a lot of culture which could make my college experience very well rounded. i’ve already got rejected from my 2 dream unis 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="💔" title="Broken heart" aria-label="Emoji: Broken heart"> so i just want to go here. but here’s the problem. i can’t fucking afford it and my parents are JUST NOW TELING ME
and trust me i’m NOT trying to play the blame game here but i feel like they’ve always treated scholarships as a *suggestion* i didn’t know we just can’t flat out afford it (i mean we def can that’s what’s making getting scholarships hard) they just don’t wanna pay for it
this situation has fucked me in so many ways tbh. i’m in panic mode rn i literally can’t sleep at night. trying to stay positive but it’s just been getting rough lately because the last thing i want is to not be able to go here. this was my “safety school”.
this has also just made me lose so much respect for my parents and their decision making. it makes me hungry to get what i want tho and honestly i have a feeling deep down inside that i will get it but it just makes me resent them. lowkey
when i do get into this uni and im able to go i want to cut off my parents so bad. i deserve a life that’s stress free, where i can do what i want. without their constant nagging and mind games
also sucks because my parents are older so i feel like i have less room to be reckless with our relationship because you know. i don’t even want to say it. those motherfuckers are crazy though and are extremely good at hiding it
i’m also just swamped right now and i want to get out of this. nothing will get done unless i do it though but some things are just. hard https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😓" title="Face with cold sweat" aria-label="Emoji: Face with cold sweat">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😓" title="Face with cold sweat" aria-label="Emoji: Face with cold sweat"> especially with this whole college thing what if it doesn’t work out but i guess the only thing i can do is try
and i just also don’t wanna put so much hope into this college thing and get nothing out of it. y’all i want college to be fun. esp since i’ve had to deal w my parents for 17 years. i deserve this new life i deserve to finally be myself
and i just hope everything aligns right. i want good academics, good culture (gamedays tailgates school spirit) good parties, hot guys, i also wanna be hot hot hot!!! that’s kinda why i don’t wanna be in state or in the south in general just bc the standard
of beauty here is not me i feel and i just wanna be somewhere where i’ll be accepted https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😔" title="Pensive face" aria-label="Emoji: Pensive face">. i also want good friends and i really want to rush a sorority but that’s probably just not gonna happen. guys i might end up being a g-g-geehttps://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤢" title="Nauseated face" aria-label="Emoji: Nauseated face"> geed. https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😔" title="Pensive face" aria-label="Emoji: Pensive face"> fuck me in the ass
but yeah there’s just so many reasons why i want to go to this school when i visited a couple summers ago i just felt like it was so me. and i don’t want anything to get in the way of it and currently thts what my parents are doing
i just want so much out of life i really want to milk this life because there really are infinite possibilities. and i want to experience things. tryna get into astrology/tarot more to help guide me and just learn about what’s holding me back
but yea. currently feel like i’m trying to run but my feet are superglued to the ground. i just want to move on with my life and thrive like i was meant to. be the person i’ve always wanted to be. i’m so tired of being miserable and i don’t wanna play the blame game
i just want to smash the fuck out of my goals and desires. so yeah. thts my life right now but i’m just hoping and deep down i know it’s gonna get better. just trying to find the inner strength & motivation to keep going
and with my parents i’m not ungrateful, just frustrated especially since they never take ownership it seems to always fall on me. but yea just currently tryna get out of this toxic relationship/household one day at a time https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🥺" title="Pleading face" aria-label="Emoji: Pleading face">https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😓" title="Face with cold sweat" aria-label="Emoji: Face with cold sweat">
oof and to end it all off, lastly i hope that what i’m feeling is valid. i don’t wanna end up somewhere else and just still be miserable as fuck. life always has some sort of flaw but i do feel like i have had lots of struggle in the past
that make it hard for me to just live/ succeed the way i want to. again NOT TRYIHG TO BLAME https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😭" title="Loudly crying face" aria-label="Emoji: Loudly crying face"> i really do just feel like i’d be better off w my parents not being so fucking stressful. and i have like only one and a half friends who understand
but yea prob gonna delete this thread in the near future i just. am going thru it mentally but i’m still tryna stay ambitious. i’ll say a few things i’m grateful for to just make myself feel better:
being employed rn during corona, my health, the health of my family, having a house, having a nice car, having friends who i love dearly & love me back, having made some of the best mems ever w some friends (& i wanna make more https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😭" title="Loudly crying face" aria-label="Emoji: Loudly crying face">) being able to live this life! & God/Jesus!!
