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Vulnerable share (a thread):
In my last serious relationship, my partner had a pretty low sex drive and a lot of anxiety issues. A lot of the time, I felt undesirable, lonely, and sad. It was also a long distance relationship and that made everything even harder.
In my last serious relationship, my partner had a pretty low sex drive and a lot of anxiety issues. A lot of the time, I felt undesirable, lonely, and sad. It was also a long distance relationship and that made everything even harder.
He got uncomfortable when I texted him naked photos of myself or talked about sex. I& #39;d text him that I missed f---ing him, that I missed his touch, that I couldn& #39;t wait to touch him again, and he& #39;d say "I miss you too" and then change the subject.
It stung every time. After 3 or 4 times of this happening, I brought it up. I tried to have the conversation of "hey, we& #39;re in a long distance relationship, and I need to feel the connection inbetween visits, you know?" And he& #39;d say he understood.
Whenever we would see each other again after a couple of weeks apart, it would be awkward. I wanted him to walk in, throw me up against the wall, and tear all my clothes off. He wanted to "ease in" because of his anxiety issues.
I thought to myself, if I was more desirable, none of this would be an issue. If I could just figure out how to appeal to him, he would want me in the way that I wanted him to. If I could figure out how to be for him, everything would be perfect.
I backed off sexually. I dressed more conservatively. I cut my hair in a way that I thought would appeal to him more. I basically did everything I could to take away the "pressure" that he kept telling me he felt from me.
I stopped trying to initiate sex with him. He said my attempts were "stressful" and that he would prefer it if he could just come to me when he was in the mood. I made an effort to suppress every urge I felt to be intimate with him.
Because we were barely having sex, I didn& #39;t feel safe or comfortable to bring up my desires or interests with him. I had a "take what you can get" mentality. I never brought up my interests in kink or anything that wasn& #39;t strictly vanilla.
I spent so many nights crying, I can& #39;t even tell you.
We weren& #39;t well suited to each other and I refused to accept it. Every other aspect of the relationship was so good. Why didn& #39;t our sex life work?
In the end, I left. But by then, my self esteem was destroyed. I thought there was something wrong with me. I felt ugly. I was embarrassed by my desire to have sex with my own partner.
Throughout that relationship, I was working in the sex industry. One might think that this would have been a boost to my self esteem. It wasn& #39;t. I doubted myself constantly. Every time I got an email I was surprised. Every time someone told me I was beautiful, I was surprised.
I didn& #39;t know how to make sense of it. What does it mean that all these people tell me they want me, but my own partner doesn& #39;t want me?
It took a long time to accept that our sex drives were incompatible and that his anxiety issues prevented us from connecting in the way that I would have wanted to. That I needed to.
Eventually I did start to believe the other people who told me things like "you& #39;re so beautiful" and "you& #39;re so sexy" and "I want you." But it was a journey. Even now, it can be disconcerting at times. Someone will say "I want you" and I& #39;ll think "but why didn& #39;t he?"
And I wonder sometimes - what does it mean to put myself out there like this all over the Internet? Am I looking for the attention I never got but always wanted?
I wonder too about the stigma associated with the "woman seeking attention." We& #39;re not supposed to draw attention to ourselves. We& #39;re not supposed to be the main characters.
To be continued...
