I see friends talking about their quarantine side hustle, their self care, the goals they’re checking off the bucket list.

None of these people have small children.

With that, here are the things my kids (4 yo, 3 yo, 2 mo) have done during the quarantine:

4 yo climbed in the clothes dryer at the behest of his 3 yo brother, who is known to turn on the dryer whenever he walks by. This happened tonight, sparking this thread.

3 yo jumped from a chair back w/ a jewelry screwdriver in his hand, nearly impaling his face/eye.

3 yo put blanket over his head, starts twirling, blindly hits table, falls, won’t answer when asked “are you okay?”, is found to be choking on a nickel he had in his mouth.

2 mo in slightly springy reclining cradle. Mom and dad walk into kitchen to get food. Come back to find 3 yo and 4 yo bouncing her as violently as they can, nearly catapulting infant sister across the room. She was buckled in and was fine. Toddlers had no idea anything was wrong.

4 yo puts bucket in sink w/ spout pointed over back of sink. Turns on water to fill bucket. 4 yo walks away w/ water on. Bucket pours water down back of sink. Catastrophic flood prevented when dad (me) stumbled onto the scene.

4 yo pours red glitter glue on couch. 3 yo pours bubble solution on same couch next day. 2 mo pukes on couch regularly. It was a new couch in February.

4 yo caught sneaking (yes *sneaking*) Elmer’s glue into bedroom. Ultimate goal unknown.

3 yo, previously potty trained, reverts under the constraints of quarantine. Starts peeing around the house. Pees on porch. Pees on back porch. Pees on rug in bedroom. Pees directly on floor IN THE BATHROOM. Behavior worsens if he feels neglected (middle child).

There are more, I can't remember them all. This is daily, constant.

Add to this night terrors, sibling fighting, not understanding why we can't go anywhere, angry they can't see Grandmas+cousins+friends, picky eating, and feeding, diaper changing, and rocking 2 mo every ~2 hrs.

And unless you’ve ever had energetic toddlers, I’m not sure you can appreciate the constant chaotic force they are. Three foot hurricanes. Closest I can compare are Gremlins... from the movie Gremlins.

This is why I don't have a side hustle. This is why I'm not getting in great shape. This is why I'm not reading or writing the Great American Novel™.

I'm just trying to keep my sanity and not traumatize my kids. God help us.