Ok mini-rant time...

I just had to change my TP roll for the second time since this whole COVID shit started. So rounding up, I have used two full rolls of Charmin Ultra Gentle Mega rolls in about a month of time as an individual...

So let's do some math here...

Right on the bag it says 12 rolls = 48 regular* rolls. Asterisk is suspect of course. But at the bottom is the key info: 300 2-ply sheets per roll...

So this means I've shit enough to warrant 600ish sheets of 2ply in one month. Stay with me...

So converting to 1ply, that's 1200 1ply sheets per month for me. If these rolls are 4/1 the size of normal, then a standard roll would be 300 sheets of 1 ply per roll right?

So TP comes in various counts but the largest is 45 count right? Largest I can find on Sam's Club...

So let's assume for the sake of argument, 45 rolls of 1ply at 300 squares per roll.

That would be 13,500 sheets per package. Even if I wasn't fancy with my TP, my rate would equate to 11.25 rolls of TP per month or 1 package every 4 months...

Let's throw in some other considerations here.

1. I live by myself.
2. My diet is largely Taco Bell.
3. I have three bathrooms.
4. I am a crumper and not a folder.
5. I have cats.

I will address these in separate tweets...

1. I live by myself.

Ok, this would mean that for any given household, my demand should be lower than average. Average family size in the US is exactly Pi apparently which will make remember this variable easy to recall for our overall shit equation...

2. My diet is mostly Taco Bell.

Ok not really, but it's not good. I visit the bathroom at least twice a day and that is below average. Thus, I believe it's safe to say I shit more than any two normal people combined. So a 2x multiplier is a low end estimate...

3. I have three bathrooms.

So while this may not contribute to overall TP usage, it does mean that I would have an distributed usage throughout my home. Can I use this as a multiplier or factor for my equation? Maybe when we get to the cat consideration...

4. I'm a crumpler, not a folder.

Why does the method matter? TP efficiency. Folding is more economical but crumpling is more effective w/respect to cleanliness. Think a square peg into a round hole or something less gross...

Fair to say 1.5x folding.
(Pic not to scale)

5. I have two cats.

If you have cats, you know this is a huge consideration. Also note in number 3 that I have 3 bathrooms. On average, one wrecked roll per month, per room. 3 per month lost to these MF'rs. And that is treating two cats as one...

So let's recap....

I know through observation that I use the equivalent of 4 normal rolls of TP per month. So...

Assuming normal amounts are X and my amounts are M, the equation of the "normal" amount as a function of my amounts...

X = (M(π)/3)-3

Plug in my observed number of 4 for M and you reach your value for a "normal" individual.

Drum roll please....

X = 1.189 rolls per month per person.

So, I believe I stumbled on some very troubling conclusions here...

Mathematically, I believe the TP shortage has nothing to do w/COVID. Yes they correlate in timing but diarrhea is not a common symptom.

The world currently has as shit epidemic & nobody is talking about it.

And that would make sense...

Who WANTS to talk about chronic diarrhea while we are facing a pandemic? COVID is resulting in deaths, diarrhea is just annoying and quite unpleasant to talk about.

I'm no mathematician but, the math checks out. #doyourownresearch #DunningKruger