And since it's my hysto-anniversary I might just as well use it as an opportunity to emphasize this again: I was SO sure I would never, ever detransition when I went in for surgery. Never!
Even though transition was already proving to make me feel more dysphoric, not less (1/)

I simply couldn't stand the thought of ever returning to being seen and seeing myself as a woman. At that point, I was just beginning to accept that perhaps transition wouldn't be as straight-forward as I had hoped, but the alternative (womanhood) still seemed worse to me. (2/)

My decision to get my reproductive organs removed was driven by many reasons. I wanted SRS, so it was the "logical next step" (at least in my trans mindset, and being around other post-hysto ftms solidified that). But I was also afraid of pregnancy to an obsessive level. (3/)

I opted to get my ovaries removed as well because I was told it wouldn't make much sense to keep them if I wanted SRS and would be on testosterone for life anyway. And I was quite happy about that at the time, as having these organs felt very... "distressing" to me. (4/)

It's not easy for me to talk about this part, because it's so clear to me now just how unhealthy I was & how obsessive my thought patterns. But here goes:
I really believed that testosterone was saving me. I saw estrogen as the enemy and the thought of my body re-feminizing (5/)

in case I, for some reason, couldn't take testosterone anymore one day made me feel *sick*.
I never wanted to be seen as a woman again. Consequences for my body & health be damned!

I've made this comparison many times before, but it really reminds me of my eating disorder. (6/)

— Where I knew that starving was bad for my health, but I would have rather dealt with all the health consequences from anorexia than be forced to accept the uncomfortable feelings being at a normal weight awakened in me. (7/)

It was the same with dysphoria, except it wasn't weight that caused the distress, but my femaleness.

It's safe to say that I was in no condition to make such a drastic decision in that mental state, but rather than taking it as a red flag... (8/)

my distress got seen as a reason for why that surgery was definitely necessary.
Despite my physical body being perfectly healthy. (9/)

My hysterectomy (& oophorectomy) is the transition step I regret the most, and also the one that angers me the most, as it required multiple medical professionals looking at a healthy female body and approving needless organ removal based on me hating it for its biology. (10/)

But that's not even the point I want to make with this thread...

More than anything, I want to stress just how strongly one can believe that something is one's only hope & that they'll never regret it — while being completely oblivious to how many alternatives there are. (11/)

And it's also a testament to how radically things can change in such a short amount of time (three years is really not that long ago in the grand scheme of things, plus I detransitioned a year ago). (12/)

On tdov I tweeted about breaking up with my ex-girlfriend three years ago because I rejected being a lesbian.
And three years ago I also thought I'd never be okay being seen as a woman again.

Today I comfortably call myself both a woman and a lesbian. (13/)

I wish I could end this thread with some inspirational line but I'm really just sad that I'll never get all that wasted time and those lost body parts back. I wish I had valued my health and body more... As every part of it is me, even the ones I have trouble to accept. (14/14)

And btw, I can only hope that things turned out better for the other ftms around my age who were at the hospital with me three years ago, going in for the same surgery...