Thread by @snarke, Welcome to today's #Covid19 #Briefing thread. Y'all ready for this? I'm not [...]

Welcome to today& #39;s #Covid19 #Briefing thread. Y& #39;all ready for this?

I& #39;m not sure what to expect from today& #39;s #Briefing. #Trump was meeting with Governor Cuomo a little bit ago. Given T& #39;s feral need for praise and fealty and Cuomo& #39;s not giving a single frak about T& #39;s ego, I do not think this meeting could have gone well.

This means that #Trump is either going to be suuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuper feisty and will likely take his rage out on reporters or, having anticipated this abuse, his team will have spiked his happy meal with so many downers he& #39;ll be practically drooling on himself.

#Briefing #Covid19

So, really, today is like every other day in the #Trump #Covid19 #Briefing show. Which T are we gonna get? Either way...

Okay folks, WH Pool cam is live. Let& #39;s get this #Covid19 #Briefing on the road!

So far it looks like we& #39;re getting Birx, Mnuchin, and Stephen Hahn today. No Fauci. Again.

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump is babbling already, slurring, and doesn& #39;t seem like he knows where he is. Looks like it& #39;s Super Drugged-Down Donnie (so far) today.

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump is speeding through the details of the next Congressional funding bill. Says we& #39;re going to get a presentation from Mnuchin first so that he can get back to work on Phase Four, "before the ink is even dry."

#Covid19 #Briefing

Mnuchin: There will be $350B for the SBA to offer in loans.

Some hedge fund managers are high fiving each other super hard right now.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Mnuchin: There have absolutely been some businesses with fewer than ten people who have gotten this money.

Really. Name them please.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q to Mnuchin: Are you going to ask the big businesses who got funding to give that money back?

Mnuchin: I& #39;m going--

#Trump: I& #39;M GONNA ASK THEM. ESPECIALLY HARVARD. I& #39;M GONNA MAKE & #39;EM DO IT (phrasing mine, caps his).

Oh lord. Dude is drugged out of his mind.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: Yesterday #Trump said he was going to look into giving businesses owned by felons access to funding. Any updates?

Mnuchin: We& #39;re going to be looking at it.

T: *NODS IN ALL CAPS*

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: We& #39;re in phase four now. How many more phases can we expect to have?

Mnuchin: Well let me just say that I& #39;m very thankful for #Trump& #39;s support for phase four.

IOW: I have no clue. None. Please let me leave.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: How much will phase four cost?

Mnuchin: It would be premature for me to estimate that right now.

Wait a sec. If the bill designates X funds for X projects, why do you have to estimate? And if it& #39;s too soon for that, WHY ARE THEY VOTING ON IT?!

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: You have $17B for "National Security", will that include oil companies?

Mnuchin: Well, when you say National Security...

Off to the side, #Trump looks like he& #39;s doing a potty dance.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: The money you& #39;re sending to states, will that be proportionate to the level of infection/crisis they& #39;re dealing with?

Mnuchin: It& #39;s WAY too soon to start deciding that.

So no. It won& #39;t.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: Do you know how many jobs have been saved with PPP so far?

Mnuchin: We& #39;ve saved 30 million jobs so far.

I call Fuzzy Math BS.

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump takes the podium back over and he& #39;s trying to explain his immigration ban. He can barely speak and is making less sense than usual. This is bad. It& #39;s really really bad.

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump just lost his place in his notes and repeated the part about New York having a lot of laboratories that will help with testing.

This happens to everybody from time to time, but what& #39;s scary right now is that he doesn& #39;t seem to have any idea he did it.

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump: We& #39;re going to be bringing the Comfort back. I asked Cuomo if we could have it back to use elsewhere and he said yes so it& #39;ll be back in a short period of time.

Are you going to go kiss it hello?

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump is talking about antibody tests and says they are working to get "donations" of "Convalescent plausima."

So you& #39;re going to be stealing blood from convalescent patients? Is that what you& #39;re saying?

#Covid19 #Briefing

Birx& #39;s turn to do the daily "Seriously, everybody. Social distancing. You have to have to have to do it." part of the #Briefing.

Meanwhile, here& #39;s #Trump, literally nodding off as she speaks:

Hahn& #39;s turn to give a presentation. He& #39;s trying to talk about how antibodies are developed after someone gets #Covid19. Off to the side, #Trump seems to be having trouble remaining upright and only opens his eyes when he hears his name.

I wish I was exaggerating, but I& #39;m not.

Hahn says "It& #39;s not okay for someone to say that a test has been authorized or approved by the FDA when it hasn& #39;t been and we are going after them."

Cool. Start with the guy nodding off a few feet to your right.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Asked how many of the tests being administered actually work, Hahn says "we don& #39;t have those results yet. We should have them this week."

JFC. IT& #39;S APRIL AND YOU DON& #39;T KNOW WHICH TESTS ACTUALLY WORK?!

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: People given hydroxychloroquine for #Covid19 have a higher mortality rate than those who got standard care. Thoughts?

Hahn: And we& #39;re going to need more trials.

THEN MAYBE TELL THE GUY NEXT TO YOU TO STOP INSISTING IT& #39;S A MIRACLE CURE.

#Trump jumps to the podium to say, after Hahn& #39;s "we don& #39;t know how many tests actually work" that "our tests are the best by far and we& #39;ve done more tests than anybody else in the world."

Oh okay then. *headdesk*

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: When are you signing your executive order?

#Trump: It& #39;s being written now and we& #39;ll be notifying you tomorrow. It& #39;ll likely be signed tomorrow.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: Doesn& #39;t closing the country to immigration contradict the idea of "opening up the country"?

#Trump: No. It doesn& #39;t. It& #39;s a very strong thing. It& #39;s stronger than when I did China. It& #39;s needed. Needed.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Asked about Kim Jong Un, #Trump wishes him well, adds "I have to remind you that if anybody else were in this position we& #39;d have been at war with North Korea right now. At war. And you know reports I don& #39;t believe the reports. Anybody can do a report."

ORLY. DO TELL.

#Briefing

Q: Seriously about your EO--

#Trump: Look it& #39;s a strong order. There will certainly be some people coming in, because some people have to come in but it& #39;s a strong order. It& #39;s a big circle.

A big circle?!

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: When will you consider *lifting* the ban on immigration?

#Trump: Look we had the greatest economy in the world and then we had to shut it down and we would have had two million deaths and so we needed this but right now we need jobs for Americans.

What?

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: Seriously: when will you consider lifting the ban?

#Trump: Look we& #39;re probably going to have that discussion and I think it& #39;s probably a good discussion that we might need to have and we will probably look at that later. Maybe.

Dude has no idea what& #39;s happening.

#Briefing

Q: So do you think #Covid19 could come back worse in the fall?

Birx: I don& #39;t know if it will be *worse.* I think it& #39;s already pretty bad. I think what we& #39;ve learned is how good Americans are.

Somebody is scared of getting fired.

#Briefing

Q: How do you protect people in South Carolina from a bad decision made by Georgia?

#Trump: I& #39;m concerned about what happens everywhere. We have concerns. And we can put out the fires. It& #39;s like. Fires. And we& #39;re good at this. And there are a lot of openings.

WHAT?

#Briefing

Q: Will you be doing another immigration EO later to even further restrict your newest EO?

#Trump: If I want. We& #39;ll look at that. Secondary orders. They can happen. If we want. Orders. Secondary. Secondary can happen.

Dude is hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh.

#Briefing

Q: You know farmers rely on seasonal migrant workers--

#Trump: They won& #39;t be affected. You know there were times when they stopped everybody coming in and all the farms went out of business. If anything we& #39;re gonna make it easier.

This #Briefing needs to be over. Right now.

Q: You& #39;ve encouraged the protests. The CDC says they aren& #39;t helpful. Thoughts?

#Trump: It doesn& #39;t matter if they& #39;re helpful. The groups I& #39;ve seen have been very spread out. They& #39;re doing the social and the distancing very well.

Uh. NO?!

#Briefing

Q: What good is it to reopen a business if the customers don& #39;t want to go outside?

#Trump: Look we& #39;re gonna open and we& #39;re gonna be bigger and better and nobody has ever seen or heard anything like this. Washing hands every fifteen minutes. Distancing. Social!

#Briefing

#Trump is literally just babbling now. I& #39;m used to him not making sense but this is BAD.

#Briefing

#Trump just forgot the word "employment": "People they need...they should work! They....MONEY, you know?"

I have no jokes for this.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: On 3/9, Pence said a million tests had been distributed and by the end of the week another four million tests would be distributed. That hasn& #39;t happened.

#Trump: I dunno what he said. Are you ready? I& #39;ll say it again: WE HAVE DONE VERY WELL. OUR TESTING.

#Covid19 #Briefing

Q: Seriously, he said there would be FOUR MILLION TESTS over a month ago.

#Trump: *sigh* Okay, I& #39;ll say it again. WE. HAVE. DONE. MORE. TESTING. THAN ALL OTHER COUNTRIES COMBINED. We& #39;ll be back tomorrow.

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump really wanted to end the #Briefing just then but then a reporter asked...I& #39;m not sure what, but it included the word "China" so of course T had to stop and bash China and...complain that he can& #39;t go out and give speeches? What?

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump on the rumors of #Covid19 being "made" in Wuhan: Look, the intelligence communities. They tell me. Pfft. I can& #39;t tell you what they tell me. You wanna know what they tell me? I& #39;ll tell you. They tell me PLENTY.

Really. Go on.

#Briefing

#Trump is now complaining that the reopening order in Florida didn& #39;t include golf courses and that his properties haven& #39;t been allowed to open but that he wishes his children well and looks forward to comparing his numbers to their numbers.

What?

#Briefing

After #Trump babbles, the reporter asks if Birx can answer her question instead. T is PISSED.

That reporter--whose name I didn& #39;t catch, unfortunately--is my new favorite in the WH Press Corps.

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump just forgot the words for "hot spot." Says "I call them.....burning embers, you know? But we& #39;ll put them out."

#Covid19 #Briefing

#Trump: We& #39;re going to come back. I think it& #39;s going to be a renaissance, with all the things we& #39;re doing. We& #39;re gonna come back and it& #39;s gonna be great and all the things.

A Renaissance. Okay, bro.

#Covid19 #Briefing

And after thanking a Fox News Reporter for coming to the #Briefing, #Trump leaves the room. Looks like this thing is over for the day.

Thanks for reading my #Covid19 #Briefing tweets everybody! I appreciate it!

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