My younger followers probably won’t know who these people are, but for my older followers, you remember the kid stars Kristy and Jimmy McNichol? Well, when I first moved to LA, Jimmy was my first landlord lmao and boy do I have some stories.

In 2015 I got hired by AMC Networks for a super competitive 90-day writing fellowship. Thousands of people applied and they chose 3 people. I quit a job working for the Santa Clara County DA’s office that paid me nearly 6 figures to move to LA to learn to write for min. wage.

I was crashing on couches for the better part of 2 months. (Shout out @NadineCrocker and @cruelsmusic.) But after the 90 days was up, the folks at AMC asked if I wanted to stay on for a year. Hell yeah I did. Most importantly I had the job security to sign a lease.

AMC’s office is in Santa Monica, so I wanted to be close. Santa Monica was wayyyyy out of my budget, but I hit the Craigslist listings and found a spot right across the street from the beach for $1000/month. I thought it was a scam but it didn’t hurt to reply so I did.

So this guy replies back and he says, “I’m a pretty famous celebrity but I spend most of my time in NY and I need someone to look after my condo.” Weird flex, but whatever. He signs the email, “Jimmy.”

So now I’m thinking about all the famous Jimmys. Fallon? Kimmel? Butler?

He says he’ll be and town in a few days and he wants to me up. So we make plans and a few days later I drive over. I’m kinda excited/nervous. I pull up and there’s an old Ferrari Testarossa parked in the driveway. But it’s in trash condition—dented, keyed up, torn seats.

I call him and let him know outside, and I’m for sure thinking Jimmy Fallon is about to be my landlord and I’m hyped because he’s friends with Questlove and the Roots and and and—this dude answers the door

I’m looking at him thinking he must be Jimmys drug dealer or something. “Hey, I’m here for Jimmy.” He goes, “I am Jimmy, nice to meet you.”

I’m thinking two Jimmys must live here because who tf is this guy? He’s definitely a serial killer. I been watching all the Netflix docs and I know a serial killer when I see one.

Anyway, he takes me inside, and I’m looking at all his photos and awards. He’s got pics with Muhammad Ali, Michael Jackson, the President et al. So I’m like, “Okay, he’s not the host of a late night show, but he was the real deal when he was a young gun.”

He says “Its $1K a month and I’ll only be in town a third of the year.” $1K for a place on the beach and I’ll only have a part time roommate?! Sign me tf up. So I sign a lease and boy oh boy was that the biggest mistake of my life.

Shit went sideways real fast. Apparently there was some sort of open door policy I didn’t know about because I would come home and all sorts of random people would be in the house. “I’m Jimmy’s friend.” “I’m Jimmy’s assistant.” “I’m Jimmy’s business partner.”

And the whole thing about only being in town part-time was mostly a lie. Dude was always home. AND dude liked to walk around in a towel, his underwear, sometimes naked. Like, I’m just trying to eat breakfast before work, I don’t need ya saggy balls in the same vicinity as my food

Every morning I’d walk into the kitchen like “Oh he got his ass out today, okay I’ll catch y’all later.”

But THEN he really did go out of town for months, and things were perfect. For a while...

One day he calls me and says “I’m gonna be outta town for a while so I decided to rent my room out so you’ll be having a roommate.” This ain’t what I signed up for.

He says, “She’ll be by tomorrow. Just grab her rent and show her around, etc.”

The next day someone shows up and I answer the door and...

it’s this 6-foot tall Russian model. Gorgeous. And we’re just staring at each other like

So she tells me she’s a former model and flight attendant for Emirates and she was based in Dubai, but now she’s in LA to open her own bakery. (She walked around naked too because Europeans be like that.) But she also used me to taste test all her desserts and life was good again

But then it wasn’t—

One day, there’s a knock on the door and I answer it, and I’m greeted by two FEDERAL AGENTS. Like blue jacket with yellow letter agents. Oh fuck, all those years of illegal downloads on Napster finally caught up with me, I’m a goner.

They ask who I am, what I’m doing, and if I know the location of one James Vincent McNichol III.

Me:

Anyway, to make a long story a little bit longer, apparently my man Jimmy didn’t actually own that property and I was illegally squatting for damn near half a year. So I had to pack up and skip town before the feds uncovered my illegal movie downloads.