I don't think I'm perfect, but y'all need to take a page from the Book of Jane and start living life like you're in a horror movie.

Did you just get home and your door is open? Maybe you didn't close it properly, BUT MAYBE YOU DID.

You have a cell phone, Mark, I know you do. Go stand on the sidewalk and call the police, or a family member, or a friend. There's someone in your house.

Are you somewhere new & get offered a thing that, "tourists don't experience"?

Okay, Sarah, but have you considered that at least thirty-seven other tourists have got the "experience", they just didn't live to talk about it?

Go to the places tourists go & are safe going there.

Is a charming stranger asking politely to come in? That's a vampire, Chris. Don't invite them.

Lock doors&windows to be safe, too, because if vampires aren't real, that's a serial killer. Call an acquaintance, NOT YOUR BEST FRIEND. An acquaintance may survive, your BFF will not.

Do you feel uneasy, worrying someone may be watching you? BRING YOUR PETS INSIDE THE HOUSE AND MAKE SURE THEY DON'T GO OUT WITHOUT YOU+LEASH.

I mean it, Alex. Pookie is an indoor dog now.

Has your friend invited you to stay with them at a place owned by their family member, and you don't know the family member?

Don't participate in your own kidnapping, Jean. You need all your organs, so politely decline and order Thai food or something.

Did your party-loving friend go away for a spa weekend and come back wearing white cotton and have a newfound respect for human life and connection?

That's a cult, Parker. Your friend has joined a cult. You don't need a seaweed wrap that badly.

Do you think that attractive person over there looks oddly familiar, but you're sure you've never met?

You recognize them from their mugshot that was on the news recently when they escaped. Avert your gaze and walk out with the next group.

Please also accept that absolutely NOBODY YOU EVER WANT TO MEET is looking for "single locals".

Seriously, Cass, please don't invite them over. You're going to get serial killed.

Did you inherit a lovely house from a distant relative, details of which are murky?

That house is haunted, Ashley. BY GHOSTS. And you aren't even related to that dead dude!

Are you at a friend's house and suddenly the weather changes in an unseasonal way?

GO TO YOUR FRIEND'S BASEMENT RIGHT NOW, TANNER. Put your pants on and GO TO THE BASEMENT. DO NOT DRIVE THE HOUR TO GET HOME, TANNER. I MEAN IT.

Did you meet an attractive, charming stranger & have a lovely time, then they called you a few days later to ask you out?

YOU DIDN'T GIVE THEM YOUR NUMBER, JORDAN. THIS PERSON IS A STALKER.

Tell them to leave you alone, start a file with details on every time they contact you.

Did your old & tattered, but still loved doll/figurine/toy suddenly disappear or otherwise move positions with no reasonable explanation?

THAT'S BECAUSE IT IS HAUNTED, CARTER. FIND IT, BURN IT, SALT IT, DROP IT IN THE OCEAN, BURY IT, WHATEVER. GET RID OF IT & THEN MOVE.