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lrt...ch79 ... "I hate myself!" this is the chapter where I had to put the novel down and try not to cry like a baby. (i failed)
The culmination of Binghe's pain, trauma, and heartbreak shatter here. Yes, XM is affecting him, but these are his real feelings. We know from the
The culmination of Binghe's pain, trauma, and heartbreak shatter here. Yes, XM is affecting him, but these are his real feelings. We know from the
Deep Dream extra that he tried his best to hold on, waiting for SY to wake up. Even then, he was so close to breaking ["Shizun...I can't hold on anymore"], begging SY to open his eyes.
Here, he is unable to keep holding on. "That's right. I've gone mad."
Binghe knows
Here, he is unable to keep holding on. "That's right. I've gone mad."
Binghe knows
himself how much SY's love has ruined him. No one knows better how much SY has hurt Binghe than Binghe himself. It's why he was so angry upon his return, rightfully so.
He's given up all of himself, his pride and his dignity, lowering himself to his lowest point -- and it's
He's given up all of himself, his pride and his dignity, lowering himself to his lowest point -- and it's
still not enough for SY.
âShizun, you always let go of me time and time again. Every time, every time, anyone, anything! They can all become your reason for abandoning me, and sometimes you donât even need a reason! Itâs like this every single time!â
Throughout the novel,
âShizun, you always let go of me time and time again. Every time, every time, anyone, anything! They can all become your reason for abandoning me, and sometimes you donât even need a reason! Itâs like this every single time!â
Throughout the novel,
despite how much it hurt him, he kept giving SY chances to reach out to him. He tasted rejection so many times but he never gave up trying. After the Mausoleum, SY gives him a sliver of hope, but even then SY still acts as if he's ashamed of his choice, leaving Binghe alone or
asking him to leave. The worst part is that Binghe's trust in him is absolutely broken; he knows SY won't keep his word, and yet he still follows SY. How painful it must be, how agonizing, to love someone so strongly and yet be unable to trust them. Binghe doesn't believe in
SY's words at all.
âItâs useless. Shizun, you donât need to be like this. The nicer you are to me, the more afraid I am.â
Every time SY has been kind to him, Binghe knows to expect pain, or some type of betrayal. This is what SY's actions have taught him. And like a
âItâs useless. Shizun, you donât need to be like this. The nicer you are to me, the more afraid I am.â
Every time SY has been kind to him, Binghe knows to expect pain, or some type of betrayal. This is what SY's actions have taught him. And like a
beaten dog loyal to its master, Binghe patches his heart again and lets SY lead him by the noose around his throat.
"It's fine if you resent me or hate me. I won't make any more unreasonable requests. If you're unhappy, you can hit me or kill me. In any case, I won't die.
"It's fine if you resent me or hate me. I won't make any more unreasonable requests. If you're unhappy, you can hit me or kill me. In any case, I won't die.
As long as...as long as you don't leave me, I'll be fine. This is the only wish I have left."
Binghe's psyche and heart are so horribly splintered, he doesn't see a way of being with SY that won't cause him pain. And he's fine with that. He's willing to accept the agony of his
Binghe's psyche and heart are so horribly splintered, he doesn't see a way of being with SY that won't cause him pain. And he's fine with that. He's willing to accept the agony of his
love, so long as SY won't keep abandoning him. He would rather suffer than be alone. This is the love SY has taught him, a love that once sheltered him so sweetly, where he was once so safe, that now only brings him pain. But he can't live without it, he can't
live without SY, because while SY taught him how to love again, he didn't teach Binghe how to stop that love.
"Correct, I'm pitiful. Even if Shizun is only pitying me, that's fine. Shizun, can't you stay by my side just once?"
Even if SY's love is a lie, it's a lie Binghe
"Correct, I'm pitiful. Even if Shizun is only pitying me, that's fine. Shizun, can't you stay by my side just once?"
Even if SY's love is a lie, it's a lie Binghe
is willing live, because that dream is better than a reality where SY is not there )---)0
As to why Binghe hates himself, of course he blames himself every time SY abandons him. He can't make SY stay, he's not good enough for SY to love again. He's a filthy rotten demon. His existence is a sin and he is entirely unworthy of love. No one stays no one chooses him.
T_^
T_^
***
"In any case, I won't die."
The implications of these words...Binghe, how do you know you won't die?
We know Binghe won't die [protagonist halo] but he doesn't know that, which means either he suffered horribly in those yrs we didn't see him, or that any physical
"In any case, I won't die."
The implications of these words...Binghe, how do you know you won't die?
We know Binghe won't die [protagonist halo] but he doesn't know that, which means either he suffered horribly in those yrs we didn't see him, or that any physical
injury doesn't come close to the pain of SY's rejection, or both. Honestly I hate it here 
