I've been dating men for 12yrs. I'm a late bloomer and didn't touch boys at school. I probably told myself I'm asexual or a Catholic child who didn't believe in being sexual. As a teen, I never spent time thinking of my life as an adult gay man. My vision for life was around work

It has occurred to me that the lack of "a perfect picture" wasn't because I didn't want it or didn't wish for it. It was because I lived in a time where being gay was either a sin or taboo or both. Gay adults were shamed or hidden. They didn't live full lives.

They didn't build families of their own. They didn't have children or get married. In the absence of that image and anyone saying "it's possible" it became a farfetched idea even for me

I sit and think about my earlier dating experiences and the horrible foundation they were. Because I walked right into the the toxicity laid before me. You're gay, you secretly date "straight" boys/men, take whatever little they offer.

You find the remainder of the happiness pie in work and material gains. Society doesn't embrace your kind of love, which you naturally need, so what do you do?

As a result you grow into an unhappy, bitter and depressed adult. UNLESS - You open the door and change things.

I was 21 when I made the change and I've been working and working and working on being a happy gay man, who can have a whole life as I desire and on my terms.

Many gay men find fulfillment in professional success and material gain, because society has said that's all that's possible for them. They may want families - children, marriage, a life companion, but they are also surrounded by images and words that say they can't have that.

Straight boys and girls who are not trans grow up with images and words telling them they can grow up, get married, have children, work, etc. It's in families, in churches, in communities, on TV, in books, everywhere. Even when they don't want it, they know they have the option.

Between being pathologised and scandalized, the experiences of gay men, especially in South Africa are often painted as superficial and always exciting. That's unreal for a life lived in this country or anywhere

Gay men, exciting as we may possibly be, have or at least should have, real lives with ups and downs, good and bad, trials and celebrations. I long for the day when we can be seen like that.

Our lives are more than who we have sex with. They are more than the outrageous expectation of never ending joy and bliss. We are not born fabulous and to be bags or bottomless glitter. We desire affection because are human.

We want genuine human relationships. We want to build lives - whether as partners in life, parents, husbands, care givers and guardians. These desires are not the sole domain of heterosexual people who are not transgender

I hope gay boys growing up now can enjoy having a crush on a boy. Start dating as teens. Learn healthy ways of dating at an early age. Be affirmed when they feel these confusing and overwhelming feelings. Dream of weddings, children, the whole big cliche and know that it's normal

On a lighter note, I also haven't grown up seeing old gay men. I need to start wondering how that's going to be like. Imagine being 60... Need to start saving for botox, implants, liposuction, fillers, and?

LOL. I'm kidding.

But yes, thinking about growing old and being gay.