alright. Non-Binary and Gender Nonconforming Thread incoming:

One of the criticisms I've seen on the internet most often is that suddenly people (especially young people) Have To Have Labels For Everything, and for some reason it puts older folks off that there are 63 "new" genders and whatnot.

The thing is: none of this is new!

There have always been people objecting to expected gender to be presented or the sex they were assigned at birth.

But Ames, you may ask! Why are we just now hearing about this in droves?

I say unto you: L A N G U A G E.

We can talk about gender more precisely! So good!

Every new phrase, from the reclamation of the word "queer" in terms of sexuality and gender, the advent of the terms "non-binary," "gender-nonconforming",
"agender", or even "transgender" replacing "trans*xual"? It lets us figure ourselves out, and speak our truths to others.

And we owe it to our fellow human beings to listen to their truths. We owe everyone the compassion and respect to call them what they really are, and we SHOULD all be working on creating places within our hearts where our friends can come forward to us.

Not just our friends, of course, but... character limit. You get the picture.

Even if you don't Get It ™. Even if someone comes out to you as bigender and you've only heard of genderfluid. Even if someone came out to you as non-binary, and then goes "wait! i'm actually trans!"

There is not one single person on this earth who is so entitled that we should have to put ourselves into teeny-tiny little boxes and stuff ourselves, our hearts and souls, and our identities away up in the attic so we're invisible.

Every person deserves to live their truth! If that happens to sound more deafening than normal, it might be because you're not used to it... OR, it means your friend, your neighbor, maybe even your parent, is FINALLY themself and happy. Happiness is loud! It's not a bad thing!

A lot of our journeys are about perspective, and it's not always straightforward, or even positive. It starts with the self and extends outward to that first person we decide to trust, to the found family, to (hopefully) the real family, to the world. Uncertainty never goes away.

So in the end, it all boils down to: we ALL have no clue whatsoever what someone might be going through! Some people may be starting their journey, others may be somewhere off the deep-end and suffering, others may be ABOUT TO TELL YOU & are just waiting for the right time! yay!

So how do we keep from saying the wrong thing?

Because... Whether or not we realize it, whether we like it or not... We're on this journey with other people, too. We have people relying on us to step up and love them.

How do we keep from unintentionally hurting other people?

It's easy to say "be a good person" and be done with it, but that isn't fair.

Even if the concept of gender outside the binary isn't new, the terminology is. People tend to be scared of "new". And even if they aren't scared, per se, it can be hard to know where to start.

I can understand feeling lost in this newly-erupted system of complexities. It would be like buying a beginner's grammar book and trying to read Dostoevsky in the original on the same day. Of course there are people feeling lost and confused.

It's exhausting to be raw. It can be exhausting to have to explain yourself over and over again to people who remain unknown variables. Sometimes it's hard to tell if they're worth the effort, or if they'll just slam the door in your face and brick it up when it's all over...

...especially when this unknown variable could also just do a google search. But like I said: people have to have the right roadmap to navigate. You can't tackle Dostoevsky with just a grammar book.

So. What do you do to lighten the load, even if you're still learning?

The shortest answer — and the most difficult task to grapple — is: stop making assumptions.

Which ??? ¿¿¿ ???

I know that feels like a cop out. It does!!!

But bear with me.

Gender is not necessarily associated with anything biological. It also isn't dictated by sexuality, looks, or surgery (gender-affirming or otherwise).

Meaning: if someone says they are a man, or a woman, is open about being intersex, or uses a nonconforming term... That's what they are and it isn't your place to question it.

The logical first step, then, is to stop assuming every person you meet is cisgender (or is the gender they were assigned at birth). Last week Tanya talked intersex issues with you, which I hope was informative as to why the binary is harmful. Same concept here!

Second... You might want to stop assuming you can tell if someone is transgender or gender-nonconforming.

Can you guys believe I've had a whole second coffee while writing this and haven't gone off-topic or broken the thread ONCE? I rule. I mean, I just have the keys to the van, I don't own the van, but... Small victories.

Anyway. The THIRD biggest thing in terms of assumptions!! is!!! pronouns!

p r o n o u n s. The bane of some folks' existence.

This is where this may get a bit.... soup-y. I just felt the collective eye-roll. Yeah, I know. I get it.

Okay, so. I've restarted this tweet a few times, and I've decided we all get to suffer equally and I'll get through it like ripping off a bandaid.

So I hope you're ready, here we go.

Pronouns. Don't. Determine. Gender.

Which is to say, it goes both ways. You shouldn't use someone's looks, gender presentation, or identity to assume pronouns, but you ALSO shouldn't assume someone's gender from their pronouns.

And (dun dun): This is true for cis people, too!

This would be the part in giving a speech where the notes would say (pause for effect (or questions)).

So, basically: you know how you can be watching Drag Race, and the queens will use she/her pronouns to acknowledge femininity, even though they are (usually) cis men?

That should apply to cis men in general. Similarly, cis women should be able to use he/his pronouns.

Unfortunately society is an oppressive patriarchal bitch and dead set on a static binary.

To push it one step further: trans, gender-nonconforming and non-binary men should also be able to use she/her.

The same should apply for trans, gender-nonconforming and non-binary women who might use he/his pronouns.

And I mean that unironically.

It must be said, of course, that the gender binary by itself isn't USUALLY responsible for that not happening. The problem is, again, the strictness and oppressive nature of society that has to be dismantled.

It also has to be said that when people change their pronouns, the "old" pronouns tend to be attached to our "old" identities and our trauma. Sometimes we simply grow into ourselves, but other times we slip out of who we used to be like snakeskin to save ourselves.

It's all very soup-y, isn't it? It's messy and complicated, as people are always going to be.

Unfortunately there are places where it gets soupier.

English, for example, has a singular they/them which seriously takes a load off one's shoulders if they don't want to use she/hers or he/his (see? piece of cake.)

@MxToYou asked yesterday (and I asked Darach before taking over this week) if people have taken to using a singular s/iad. Darach says that's generally what happens! If you are non-binary or gender-nonconforming and use singular s/iad, let us know! Also, neopronouns as Gaeilge!

Speaking of neopronouns: I am super here for them.

I personally don't use neopronouns. From where I (personally!!) stand, using neopronouns feels too othering when they/them works for me. So I have major respect for those whom they/them doesn't apply!

I feel very lucky that I grew up speaking English, where singular they is an option, and Irish and Scottish are set up perfectly to just carry over a singular s/iad. That's awesome!

But it goes deeper than that.

What about Spanish, where some folks feel comfortable writing ell@, Latinx? How do you say that aloud and affirm that person's gender in spoken conversation?

What about German, where (if I may bring up my own quandary) "they" is the same as "she"? Would people REALLY pay attention and notice "sie sind" was said rather than "sie ist," or will I mostly be assumed to be a girl? The only singular neutral is "es" - "it". Which... ugh.

So neopronouns are necessary and appropriate. In fact, in German I could see myself pulling out xie/xir in text to start with, which would actually carry over to English if I wanted, except... it's not as safe. As I said before, neopronouns can be othering.

Remember when I mentioned cis people shouldn't be held to the binary pronouns? That's part of my reasoning. Again, this is very post-patriarchy perfect world and I realize it's never going to happen, but if cis folks decided to use neopronouns I would feel so much safer doing so.

But at the same time, I recognize trans folks have fought hard to carve out safe spaces for their LGBTI+ friends and families, and there can be legitimate safety concerns.

So, yes. It's very soupy. I'm not sure what the real answer is, or even if a broad enough question exists.

So the best advice I have is not to make assumptions and make sure you're the sort of person people feel they can open up to. Be vigilant and ask people their pronouns in every day conversation. It feels very anticlimactic... but it's a start.

Not sure if I've run out of steam or that's the natural point to end this rant ahah. If you've any questions/comments/concerns, let me know!