HOW HAVING #PTSD CREATES A DOUBLE-WORLD & WHY I FEEL LIKE I CANT TELL MOST OF MY FRIENDS ABOUT MY LIFE RIGHT NOW - THREAD

For the duration of #COVID19, im working at Kroger. I have PTSD from multiple traumas in my life. One of those traumas is work-related (previous job). 1/

I am working most of the time. It's a pandemic. People are frightened. Their family and friends are sick, dying, or in danger. Everyone needs groceries. I gather those groceries, thoughtfully substitute out of stock items (which are many), and put them in people's cars. 2/

Sometimes im given effusive gratitude. Sometimes extreme hostility. Fights have broken out. My department has gone from 4-5 orders/day to 35-50 orders/day. 5 employees have no-call no-showed in 4 days. Most of my coworkers are constantly frantic and visibly extremely stressed. 3/

I'm known in the department for being fast, efficient, kind, cool-headed, & adaptive. It must seem as if the pandemic doesnt get to me. I easily agree to pick up shifts, stay late, or do extra work. My supervisors personally thank me for my work excessively every day. 4/

But the pandemic does get to me. Of course it does. This is really fucking rough. The issue is, due to my PTSD & severe generalized anxiety, this is how life feels all the time. Life ALWAYS feels frantic, terrifying, and dangerous. Everything and everyone around me constantly 5/

seems like a potential threat. Every situation seems like an emergency. So I seem calm because in my brain the danger level hasnt really changed. I'm just wearing a mask and gloves now. But the feeling is now different. Everyone else just finally agrees with me. 6/

My severe anxiety makes my life a constant hell. I feel like I have 3-4 frantic internal monologues at all times that I canNOT stop. But in an emergency - a true emergency - they all go quiet. There's a clarity to disaster that my PTSD and anxiety CRAVE. I feel good. 7/

My head is clear. I have things to do and I will do them. When my best friend collapsed in my kitchen with hypothermia, I was, of course, worried for them and jumped into action, but that emergency felt so GOOD to me. I felt HAPPY. I felt AT PEACE. FINALLY. 8/

This pandemic is a constant emergency. So when I'm at work, I feel SUCH JOY. My head is clear ALL DAY. My thoughts are calm. I do my job excellently. I am on the front lines helping, exactly where I always want to be. So when my friends ask how its going, I want to tell them 9/

it's absolutely wonderful, I'm the happiest ive ever been. But there's another layer:

Tomorrow is my first day off in a week. My jaw, neck, shoulders, back, hips, knees, & feet ACHE. I have forgone breaks for most of my 8 hour shifts. I've lost weight I should not have lost. 10/

I'm constantly jumpy. Loud noises, even quiet but angry sounding noises like my scanner beeping, make me physically jump. My adrenaline activates at the slightest provocation. This is not the anxiety I experience all day every day. This is the PTSD. A level of anxiety so /

high & constant im not even aware of it. I think im feeling great, grinning ear to ear, and then my scanner beeps and I jump, my heart rate sky-rockets, and ice shoots through my fingers. My brain tries to make me fall asleep mid-stride. One moment I'm mildly irritated by the 12/

song playing over the speakers, and the very next second its so unbearably irritating and repulsive I want to tear my skin off, and I cant focus on anything. My brain forgets what time of day or what month it is. It casually forgets where I am, as if thats not important atm. 13/

I walk past the Starbucks and see the Siren and suddenly I'm panicking, i cant control my breath, im so scared my vision blurs, and I call a coworker by my dead Sbx coworker's name, and suddenly I'm fighting back tears with an aggressive smile. 14/

So me and the anxiety and the PTSD and the calm and the panic and the terror emanating from those around me are all mixed up together. And the panic is from an older me, in the past, who is still living the trauma that I, in the present, am past. So it feels 15/

separate from the calmness and the joy and the me and the present. But it affects me still now and I get sucked back in and then spat out again into the present, where there is a fucking pandemic. So sometimes if you text me and ask how I'm doing, my response will sound like 16/

im living the dream. But other times my response will sound like im living an absolute hell. Both responses are me. Both are constantly accurate. But if you get the joyous response, then later the hellacious response, I sound like im lying or exaggerating. Sometimes I even 17/

feel like I am. But I know the facts. I know reality is complicated. I know about perspective, & what neurotypicals glibly call "looking on the bright side." But this isn't the shifting perspective NTs have. It's layered, conflicting reality. I know im happy & feeling better 18/

than I have in a LONG TIME. I also know this is a pandemic, a historic event that'll traumatize 4+ generations. But I still feel like a liar. I still feel like my feelings make no sense to anyone but me & my best, best friends. So I get your text asking how im doing & I leave 19/

you on read. im sorry. Its a simple question w/ an answer so complicated that if i just sent you a shrug emoji it would be as ridiculous and as inaccurate as a 3-page essay. Different parts of me try to answer & they all shut each other down. Im sorry. Im trying. But I wanted 20/

To write this to at least TRY to articulate it. So that those of you who have not had these experiences, or who are able to stay home right now, might be able to understand a bit. Thank you for reading if you got this far. I really appreciate it. 21/

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