We probably all have a toxic trait of some sort, some traits are more harmful than others. Having insight into yourself is a key part of the process. 3 years ago very unexpectedly I had a brain aneurysm rupture during a rather stressful period in my life. 1/25 https://twitter.com/muthatweets/status/1252175627970465792

At the time I was under or just coming out of a period of a huge amount of financial stress which in turn created added stress in an already stressful relationship at the time. We had just a baby 6 months previous as well. 2/25

As I was driving home early one evening, my right vertebral artery decided to burst open. I instantly lost consciousness which then resulted in me crashing my car and taking another car out along the way. All caught on my dashcam. 3/25

2 months in hospital, everything repaired, brain swelling in and out of induced comas had to learn to walk again after being immobile, my eyes were now crossed. On my first father's day, I was in a coma. Eventually went back home with a brain that wasn’t quite the same. 4/25

Anyway…what started me on my path of fixing my toxic trait was nothing more than insight. I had spent a lot of time self-reflecting, I went through a phase of mourning after going through something so traumatic and now an increased sense of self-preservation. 5/25

So, the day I realised went like this. I was part of a collectors club, the club sends boxes around NZ to its members to look at, then you pass on the boxes when you are done on to the next member. I hadn’t passed my boxes on and they were contacting me. 6/25

This went on for weeks, as incredibly ridiculous as it sounds today, my brain then couldn’t figure it out. I couldn’t drive at the time. An elderly gentleman kept calling me for an updated and then one day I just let loose on him. I called him everything under the sun. 7/25

If you have heard the term Fight or Flight, I fight, not physical, just verbal diarrhea. Once I hung up from abusing this poor man I cried. I cried because I just realised what I had done and that I didn’t want to be this person and I didn’t want my son to see be like this 8/25

I went and saw a Phycologist, cost an arm and a leg but she hit the nail on the head for me in the first session. Brain had limited capacity at the time, I work from home, 3-4 screens, music going, go to bed having to watch something. My brain was always stimulated. 9/25

After some discussion, she gave me an analogy and told me that with all this mental stimulation in my day that my cup was always full and when something added comes along my cup then overflows, fight or flight kicks in. She was right and back then my cup wasn’t very big. 10/25

I started a new relationship and was really lucky to find someone who really enjoyed talking about psychology although this wasn’t a quality I was trying to find, I was just lucky. Talking is an important and necessary part of insight. 11/25

So maybe a year and a half of being aware of the cup full analogy and applying some guidelines to keep it manageable sometimes my toxic side would show. But I questioned why, by this time my cup was bigger, my brain was far better than it was 18 months ago. 12/25

I had started to notice a feeling in me, a feeling of constant stress, tension, anxiety almost. I didn’t know why, I was financially sound, home/work life was great. I started to look at other dynamics. 13/25

I changed the way I ate, more plant-based, what I drank, less coffee, no beers (a lot of my friends were craft beer brewers). Lost 20Kgs in the process! But the feeling of stress was still there when there was no reason for it. 14/25

My partner and I took a course on Mindfulness meditation. I'm not an expert at this at all and don’t apply it every day but when I do it works and is a good space to be in. https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/home/our-work/category/21/mindfulness 15/25

A year later, maybe this time in 2019 I read a blog post from @katie_pai and she talked about the stress hormone Cortisol in relation to drinking alcohol. I had to test this so I got myself rather drunk one evening at home, had a great night! 16/25

Side effect from my Aneurysm is I don’t feel a hangover the same way, no headaches, no dehydration. I just feel stress on day 1, anxiety on day 2. I woke at 3am, feeling stressed. Made myself an overly sweet Nesquick strawberry milk x2, consumed and the feeling went away. 17/25

So now I think I am on to something, glucose levels. Days later a visit to my awesome Dr who really didn’t like my experiment at all but told me to fast and we did a blood glucose check. Frustratingly all came back fine. 18/25

Weeks later I was talking to my partner about the Chiropractor she had been going to, sounded interesting so I thought I would go and check it out to be proactive with my health. 19/25

Scans & X-rays and a week later the Chiropractor had the results. The Chiropractor did not the context of my experiment or my stress mitigation routine, It was just a checkup. He noted a particular part of my spine needed adjusting and this could cause cortisol production. 20/25

So after some adjustments over a period of months, I noticed some improvements. It would only last a couple of days. So started supplementing with weekly massages and this made a huge change for me and gave me an opportunity to practice my mindfulness techniques. Mirimiri 21/25

This seemed to empty my cup and has given me the ability to better handle the odd stressful thing that life can sometimes throw my way without my cup overflowing. If something gets too much, I just remove myself from the situation to self-regulate, takes 5 mins to reset. 22/25

Having done a great deal of self-reflection my mental health has come solely down to the insight of who I am as a person. My relationship is strong and always getting stronger, she has learned a lot about herself and her dynamics as much as I have learned about mine. 23/25

I have an amazing co-parenting & co-supportive relationship on an almost daily basis with my ex-partner with our son, now 4yo, work-life is great, home is great, son is an awesome and a loving little man. Everyone in my week is very complimentary of the job we do. 24/25

Having insight into my dynamics is probably the most powerful change I have ever made in my life. You will leave others behind in the process, that is okay. I accepted somethings won't change but I chose not to accept and pass on my most toxic trait and it has paid off. 25/25