“Neurotic people tend to be more self-conscious and sensitive to others’ opinions. They also tend to compare themselves to others more often. These tendencies would make someone more vulnerable to feeling insecure about their looks.” This part. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/mind-your-body/202004/is-personality-related-how-you-feel-about-your-looks

Growing up, I definitely did not like how I look because internalised racism. And my 20s have been super confusing, as the features I got laughed at for are why “you’re so pretty!” Sure, superficially I could see it, but I couldn’t feel it or believe it. And yet...

I still wanted to ‘see’ it, so I developed an excessive need for external assurance. This unstable sense of inner self was what made me attract only shitty, hot-cold friends who can’t even decide if they’re up for me accepting myself + truly believing that I can ‘feel’ beautiful.

It’s as if being pretty is only okay if you’re insecure and only if you can commit to not believing it as to keep the quality vettable only by others outside of you. It’s been a long and painful journey of unlearning this complex! My god.

And so I haven’t arrived at a point of total self-acceptance, but what I can now say is this:

I want to believe I am beautiful, and let this belief emanate into the physical from time to time because I’m still human. And if I am beautiful, it’s for myself, not anyone else.

And as for my neuroses around physical beauty (of course they still exist underneath, hello), I will keep channeling them into art. Tak kisah lah painting ke, writing ke, music ke. I think this is how masterpieces come to be.