Storytime: Last night was a hot mess!!!

So I go to bed at about 9:30pm. In my my apartment that I've lived in for only 2 months. Everything was great. Everything was fine. Every thing was cool, until...

I randomly wake up @ 11:00pm and see a shadow moving up my bedroom closet door. I'm like, "Am I tripping or is something moving" so I rub my eyes, put on my glasses and try to focus. "OH HELL NO!!" There is GIANT tree roach crawling up my closet door... IT'S IN MY HOUSE!!

So I freak out (cause I don't have roaches) and immediately jump my scary self out of bed and run to the kitchen praying that I have some type of bug spray under the sink only to discover the sink has backed up and my kitchen is flooding w/ water.

So I stop in my tracks and I'm just standing there, mouth open, looking at this (very) dirty soapy water erupting out of my sink and onto my floor like...

Then I remember there is a Big a** tree monster running up my closet door, so I think go for the monster first, then deal w/ this second. Right? Ok, so I run to my living room grab a pair of tennis shoes and sling them thangs on and wade my way to the cabinet under my sink.

The water smells disgusting "BISH IS THIS SEWER WATER? OMG!" I get there. The only thing I have is spray for flies. I-

WTF IS THAT GONNA DO?????

But then I think... well technically this is for flying insects and sometimes tree monsters try to be on their bird status and take flight, so it could work. Then I think, b- but what if it flies on me .

ME: DEZ STOP BEING A WUSS AND PULL IT TOGETHER!
ALSO ME: OKAY!!!

Okay, so I grab my spray and run to my bedroom. Mind you all of what has happened previously took place in the span of about 20 seconds. My brain was on overdrive. I get back to my room look at my closet door... no tree monster. OH SH- NOOOOOOO!!!

I'm panking! I look at the backpack hanging from my closet door in terror because I already know what has taken place. I take the backpack down start beating it on the ground the tree monster emerges... okay, it's time to DDDDDD- DUEL! (If you watched Yugioh you a real one)

So, me and this beast start boxing. I'm spraying and screaming (but like a loud whisper scream cause It's late and I don't wanna be rude and wake my neighbors) endlessly, but it's not going down without a fight. It starts running up on me. We legit squabbing

The tree roach:

So, we going at it. We box all the way to my bedroom bathroom. I got the beast cornered. Then finally the the beast rolls on it's back. It's still kicking tho, so I keep spraying.

It won't die tho, but it's on it's back, so I relax a bit and grab my phone. My eyes still firmly on the tree monster. Dial the emergency maintenance line for my apartments, because there is still currently a man made lake being created in my kitchen.

*Speaks with emergency maintenance line representative* She places me on the emergency list and says that I will get a call from the maintenance worker in the next 30mins she also asks if he has permission to enter my apartment if I don't hear the knock. Ummm... no!!

1. Big Yikes! I'm a woman. I don't need a random man just walking in my house at almost midnight without me knowing.

2. How embarrassing would it be if me and tree roach start boxing again and the maintenance man rolls up in the middle of our squabble.

literally 1 min later. The maintenance man calls. I explain what is happening. "Can It wait till the morning", he says WTH?? ARE YOU SERIOUS, MY GUY? I understand that it's late, but MY. APARTMENT. IS. FLOODING!

I remain calm and say "I know it's late and I'm sorry, but I honestly think you'll have to swim to get to my sink if you wait until morning"

He's on his way. Meanwhile, I'm still in my bedroom making sure the tree monster doesn't get up staring at it like...

The maintenance man shows up. It's way worse then he thought. He's freaking out. He thought I was just over exaggerating. *EYEROLL* Welp, I wasn't. So what's your plan of action, captain?

MM: Do you have a bucket?
Me: No. Y'all don't have a maintenance bucket?
MM: No. Do you have towels?
Me: *thinks* you are not using my brand new towels for this dirty water. *Speaks* No.
MM: Do you have a mop?
Me: No.
MM: *Judges*
Me: I have a swiffer.
Us:

MM: I need something to get the water out.
Me: Am I supposed to supply that? If I had a bucket I would, but I don't so...
MM: Well It must be because you over used ur dishwasher.
Me: My dishwasher is basically just a drying rack. I never use it. I hand wash, soo...

He then realizes it must be due to the apartment upstairs. A man and woman live there. Now y'all this is where ish gets real. He goes upstairs. Knocks and announces himself as maintenance. All I hear is yelling. The man, let's call him Jared, threatens to call the cops.
The MM:

Now the woman who we'll call Gina and I just had a run in two weeks ago. She was "cleaning her porch" and proceeded to continously dump water off it. Welp, I just happened to be walking outside and you guessed it. *Splash* I'm drenched.

So, of course I let out a scream cause cold mystery water just landed on me. I try to remain calm in my sopping wet clothes. "Excuse me! Hello?" Ms. Gina then proceeds to start scrambling and runs in her house. I guess she thought I wasn't gonna come up them stairs.

Me:

I start knocking the door. I can hear her on the other side.
Me: Ma'am I can hear you. You and I both know I am soaking wet. I'm not gonna fight you, but we need to talk.
She opens the door and starts yelling.

Me:

Me: R u done? Cause u doing a whole lot of talking when I'm the one soaked. We can get it shaking if you want to tho? It's nothing.

She's suddenly real calm.

Anyway, I told her goofy self to walk her porch water down the stairs instead of throwing it.

We side eye each other everyday now.

Okay, back to Jared and the Maintenance man. He's talking about calling the cops. but MM is like well... at the end of the day I have to go in there (he explains again what's happening in my apt), so he said he'll call the cops on Jared.

Me:

Jared: You gonna do what?! I'll sh**t you. I'm gonna sh**t you.

Me:

MM:

MM runs down the stairs into my apartment and tells me what happened.

Me: listening and nodding like I didn't hear all of what just happened.

The MM said he heard a click, so he leaves. Then about 5 mins later he comes back and tells me he called the manager of the apts they pulled up his file and Jared isn't on the lease.

Uh oh, spaghettiO's.