dear #ReopenNC:

you goldfish-brained wimps

you simple, weak-willed, invertebrate ghouls

you really think you’re Christ on the cross because you can’t talk through a movie at the Cinemark like WAAHHHHHH, I’m a big baby bitch and I hate old people and I poopied my diaper waaahh

“you’re hiding in your homes like cowards!!” lmao Deborah if it’s so easy and fun to stay home, then how come your leathery baked-potato ass couldn’t do it for three weeks without crying about how your cuticles can’t take the stress

“all these LIBRULS are so WEAK and PATHETIC and they want us CHAINED TO OUR HOMES but also if I don’t get to go to have a rager at the beach with my five other dusty women friends who peaked in high school I will literally die!!!!” wow, Carol, you’re so brave #ReopenNC

what color ribbon should we use for the American citizens who gave the ultimate sacrifice: staying in their McMansions for 26 days before finally demanding their god-given right to leave a trail of dead grandmothers in their wake on the way to Outback Steakhouse

y’all, next time you see Uncle Rick ranting on Facebook about how he’s goin down to the governor’s mansion because he hasn’t been able to wander around Bass Pro Shops in two weeks, tell him that if he wants to fish so bad, he’s a selfish worm who should use himself as bait

I honestly wish I had some shitty family members and friends, because if I did, I would be having the BEST TIME dragging their waterlogged skulls for being full of plastic straws and dead jellyfish

there are doctors who haven’t hugged their children or spouses in months because they don’t want to take the risk of infecting them or their patients, but go off about the injustice of missing your bi-weekly ass tanning, you slobbering, beady-eyed brain vampires #ReopenNC