Thread by @Jene_e_edwards, i'd like to say that it's quarantine and pandemic messing with my [...]

Jen e.e. Edwards

Jene_e_edwards

i& #39;d like to say that it& #39;s quarantine and pandemic messing with my brain and keeping me from drafting something new, but the truth is this has been going on for a while. 1/

last year, pretty much all of my professional dreams came true. i got into AMM in march! worked with an amazing mentor all spring and summer. i got a job at an amazing company, and got to move to portland, a city i& #39;ve dreamed of living in since i was a teen

things were good, and life was finally happening.

then my brain kind of broke at the end of august, because i worked myself to the bottom of my well, then dug ten feet further to get my MS done before i moved.

it wasn& #39;t an arbitrary deadline--i knew i wouldn& #39;t be able to devote the time i needed to after i started my job

i tried drafting the idea i had right before i got into AMM, and couldn& #39;t focus. so i stopped.

i tried drafting a new idea i had when i moved to portant, and couldn& #39;t focus. so i stopped.

i tried working on an old MS that i loved dearly, but couldn& #39;t focus. so i stopped

it& #39;s a new job, i told myself, a new city. the words will come back once i& #39;m comfortable. i put drafting aside after october and focused on the job i loved, the job that made me feel like i was finally alive after 25 years of simply existing

but the words didn& #39;t come back. they stayed away, and i struggled to reach them. in february, i stepped back and tried to figure out if i could have both -- a writing career and the job that wasn& #39;t just a job, but the thing i was good at and loved.

and slowly, i figured out that the answer was no.

i couldn& #39;t have both, i had to pick.

so i picked my job.

and then the universe took that away from me.

it& #39;s been a month since i lost my job and had to return to NJ, to a house i have always felt trapped in. but hey, i said, at least i can write again?

its been a month, and they haven& #39;t returned. i edited the crap out of my AMM MS again, but anything new is like opening a fridge you expected to be full of food, and instead its empty. and you have no idea where all the food went, because you certainly didn& #39;t eat it all

is this still burn out? did i burn myself out so severely over the summer that i& #39;m still feeling it, 8 months later?

i don& #39;t know, i don& #39;t think so.

maybe its me doubting my ability to write another book.

maybe its me still mourning everything i lost last month.

maybe its me looking at everything everyone else has accomplished and knowing i& #39;ve fallen short.

maybe maybe maybe maybe

my head hurts, my heart hurts, my bones hurt. they have words in them that need to be freed, but i can& #39;t figure out how to do that.

i don& #39;t have a happy ending here, there& #39;s no inspirational advise waiting for you at the end of this thread. just me, my lost words, and the frustration of not being able to do the one thing that allows people to understand me.

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