Superman III is probably a movie you’ll never see. It’s a terrible follow-up to Superman II, which is undoubtedly the best of the Christopher Reeve series (there were 4 in total). Before I begin, here is a pic of Christopher Reeve in his prime. Smoke show.

Since you’re never going to see it, I need, yes NEED to tell you about something that happens in the movie that I think about on a weekly basis. Spoilers ahead!

Without getting too bogged down by the details of the premise all you really need to know is that Richard Pryor plays a computer hacker named Gus Gorman.

After getting caught exploiting a computer anomaly at his company (referenced in Office Space), Gus is tasked with helping his billionaire tycoon boss Ross Webster to create all kinds of havoc. Using computers and satellites and stuff.

Superman keeps foiling Ross’s evil deeds, cuz he’s well, Superman. So, in an attempt to stop Superman, Ross has Gus artificially create kryptonite. You know, with computers. One problem, the computer can’t identify one mysterious ingredient..

It’s a small percentage of the overall recipe so Gus just fills that portion in with “tar” after reading the ingredient on his cigarette pack.

So Gus, Ross, Ross’s sister and Ross’s assistant/gf drive to Smallville where Superman is receiving the key to the city (of course) and dressed as an Army General, Gus present Sups with the kryptonite under the pretense that it is a gift of appreciation from the military.

Tho it’s widely known kryptonite is Superman’s only weakness somehow nobody raises any concerns at the city key ceremony/birthday party. Oh yeah, it’s also a kid birthday party. Superman opens the box with the kryptonite in it and it seemingly does nothing.

The evil folks bounce out of there confused while Superman slowly and subtly begins to transform into BAD SUPERMAN. That’s right, Superman becomes bad! It was the addition of tar to the recipe! And here’s where my thoughts lie mostly when I think of this movie.

So bad Superman starts to do bad things. Here are the bad things he does. He goes on a drinking binge and flicks peanuts so hard at the bar he breaks all the bottles. He sleeps with Ross’s assistant/gf. He punctures a hole in the side of an oil tanker, causing a spill.

He blows out the Olympic flame (oh yeah, the Olympics are going on). And finally, he flies to Pisa, Italy and STRAIGHTENS THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA!

Mkay. So it’s that last one that sticks with me. Here’s why. Ostensibly he’s actually helping preserve the leaning tower. Experts say that the tower eventually will fall over so what gives bad Superman, why you helping?

Then in that same scene we see an owner of a tiny outdoor shop that sells tiny leaning tower sculptures! He looks at the now straight tower of Pisa and then at his sculptures, which I’m sure he’s spent his life savings to manufacture and realizes he’s ruined.

He smashes one of his sculptures on the ground. His tiny sculpture empire destroyed! One guy! Bad Superman is so bad he flew all the way to Italy to screw with one dude! One simple shopkeeper!

So, the movie somehow continues, even though it just played out one of the most intriguing and perplexing scenes in cinematic history. Like, let’s just hold on this. Give me three more hours of this! Who’s this guy? What did he do to Superman?

We leave Pisa to watch Superman battle his evil self in a junkyard (one of the greatest fight scenes in a movie and could be seen as a metaphor for alcoholism/addiction) and wins thus becoming good Superman again.

There’s a big computer/robot battle in the Grand Canyon with missiles yadda yadda yadda. Superman wins. Evil is defeated. Yay. Wait tho. Just wait.

So after he becomes good again he goes back to fix all the stuff he broke. Heals up the oil tanker, probably pays the bar owner for the broken bottles (not shown) AND THEN HE FLIES BACK TO PISA AND MAKES THE TOWER LEAN AGAIN.

And guess what? That shopkeeper didn’t let the actions of bad Superman destroy him. No sir. He spent another life savings amount of money to make tiny straight towers of Pisa!

I wish I was joking. So Superman leans the tower again, the shopkeeper looks at the now leaning tower and then at his straight sculptures and in a moment of pure exhaustion he smashes the one he’s holding and then smashes the rest on his shelves.

Twice. Two times. Superman ruined this man’s life twice!! WHAT DID THIS MAN DO TO SUPERMAN!!?!? This question plagues me and will continue to plague me for the rest of my life.