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1/23 I've been working through a surprising amount of guilt after our dog Siffie died last week: "I should have recognized the severity of the symptoms, should have taken her to the clinic earlier, she may have survived had I acted more responsibly, ..."
2/ Apparently feelings of guilt are very common after experiencing the sudden death of a loved one. That piqued my interest, but in itself didn't offer real relief.
3/ The religious/deterministic notion of "it was meant to be this way, there's nothing you could have done" I reject, as I experience that as fundamentally unempowering and untrue.
4/ In the same vein, trying to convince myself that no conceivable action from my part during the course of Siffie's 34 month lifespan could have worked to prevent this fatal outcome would simultaneously undermine my entire belief in science and the malleability of health.
5/ So how can I possibly reconcile these statements with each other:
- I am committed to protecting the health of my family
- Our beloved pet died suddenly
- In hindsight my actions regarding her health were imperfect
- I am not "bad", irresponsible, or morally reprehensible
- I am committed to protecting the health of my family
- Our beloved pet died suddenly
- In hindsight my actions regarding her health were imperfect
- I am not "bad", irresponsible, or morally reprehensible
6/ I think there is a philosophically sensible reconciliation possible by embracing the fact that in our cosmos there are both random and intentional forces (e.g. human action) at work.
7/ And so while I can use my skills, experience and willpower to protect the lives of my loved ones, I do have to accept that randomness/chance will play a not insignificant role in shaping the actual events that make up my life.
8/ When I do succeed in protecting my family (e.g. by always walking my dog on leash) I can can claim responsibility for that outcome. But I also need to recognize that I never controlled it 100%. E.g. my leashed dog can still be killed by a swerving car.
9/ If I take a snapshot of my entire world on 1/1/2020 and assume the exact same inputs (same character, intentions, history, physical conditions, etc), then in a thought experiment I can imagine millions of parallel universes where the last 4 months are played out.
10/ Because of the uncertainty principle (and the related butterfly effect), in some of these universes, despite our consistent vigilance, our dog would be hit by a car and die.
11/ The important takeaway for me here is that with my actions I can certainly influence probabilities, and that my work to be a responsible pet owner was never in vain, but I need to be humble in accepting that I ultimately do not control exact outcomes.
12/ Now I'll try and apply this to the circumstances in which our dog Siffie died. To sum up some of the particulars:
13/
• We called the vet on Friday and the first empty slot was on Monday.
• In her 2.5 yrs she had had a number of health scares before and recovered well each time.
• Perhaps due to her being our first dog, we underestimated the severity of some symptoms.
• We called the vet on Friday and the first empty slot was on Monday.
• In her 2.5 yrs she had had a number of health scares before and recovered well each time.
• Perhaps due to her being our first dog, we underestimated the severity of some symptoms.
14/ We brought her into the vet on Monday morning, and she was transferred to a clinic right after. Eventual diagnosis was Immune Mediated Thrombocytopenia (ICP), a condition where the body's immune system starts destroying all blood platelets. She was bleeding internally ...
15/ ... (initially we thought it was only in her mouth) and on Monday night she developed ARDS (lung condition which appears not that dissimilar to severe Covid-19 cases) which, in combination with a blood platelet count of zero, was deemed not survivable.
16/ And so taking stock of all conditions and the knowledge we have now, I can imagine some universes were things would have taken a different course which eventually would have lead to Siffie's survival.
17/ I think what follows may be a reasonable philosophical way to reconcile the paradoxical statements of tweet 5 in this thread:
18/ Yes I do genuinely care about my family members, and my work in this area has kept them safe on many occasions. However sometimes chance and circumstance do lead to tragedy. It's my responsibility to learn from this and improve my skills in being a caretaker adult.
19/ But it's a fact if life that I am neither omniscient nor omnipotent. I'm fallible. My powers are considerable, but at the same time inevitably limited.
I can manage risk but not ultimately control outcomes.
I can manage risk but not ultimately control outcomes.
20/ With the benefit of hindsight I would have acted earlier (even though ICP survival rates aren't good). But I didn't have access to that info at the time. I can't judge myself assuming that I should have known. We observed her closely and brought her in on Monday...
21/ ... and, painful is it is now, that was the best we knew how to do given the circumstances. (E.g. We thought she had a high chance of getting better on her own, saving us all a risky trip to the vet given the circumstances of the pandemic.)
22/ I feel a lot less guilty than I did last week. Talking helped, as well as a call with the vet. I never thought of working through guilt as an integral part of grieving, but it really seems to be so. I loved our dog so much.
One of the last photos, not even a week old...
One of the last photos, not even a week old...
23/ Thank you for listening. I welcome your thoughts and am especially curious to hear from people who have experience with unexpectedly losing a pet, friend or family member.
