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1/23 I& #39;ve been working through a surprising amount of guilt after our dog Siffie died last week: "I should have recognized the severity of the symptoms, should have taken her to the clinic earlier, she may have survived had I acted more responsibly, ..."
2/ Apparently feelings of guilt are very common after experiencing the sudden death of a loved one. That piqued my interest, but in itself didn& #39;t offer real relief.
3/ The religious/deterministic notion of "it was meant to be this way, there& #39;s nothing you could have done" I reject, as I experience that as fundamentally unempowering and untrue.
4/ In the same vein, trying to convince myself that no conceivable action from my part during the course of Siffie& #39;s 34 month lifespan could have worked to prevent this fatal outcome would simultaneously undermine my entire belief in science and the malleability of health.
5/ So how can I possibly reconcile these statements with each other:
- I am committed to protecting the health of my family
- Our beloved pet died suddenly
- In hindsight my actions regarding her health were imperfect
- I am not "bad", irresponsible, or morally reprehensible
- I am committed to protecting the health of my family
- Our beloved pet died suddenly
- In hindsight my actions regarding her health were imperfect
- I am not "bad", irresponsible, or morally reprehensible
6/ I think there is a philosophically sensible reconciliation possible by embracing the fact that in our cosmos there are both random and intentional forces (e.g. human action) at work.
7/ And so while I can use my skills, experience and willpower to protect the lives of my loved ones, I do have to accept that randomness/chance will play a not insignificant role in shaping the actual events that make up my life.
8/ When I do succeed in protecting my family (e.g. by always walking my dog on leash) I can can claim responsibility for that outcome. But I also need to recognize that I never controlled it 100%. E.g. my leashed dog can still be killed by a swerving car.
9/ If I take a snapshot of my entire world on 1/1/2020 and assume the exact same inputs (same character, intentions, history, physical conditions, etc), then in a thought experiment I can imagine millions of parallel universes where the last 4 months are played out.
10/ Because of the uncertainty principle (and the related butterfly effect), in some of these universes, despite our consistent vigilance, our dog would be hit by a car and die.
11/ The important takeaway for me here is that with my actions I can certainly influence probabilities, and that my work to be a responsible pet owner was never in vain, but I need to be humble in accepting that I ultimately do not control exact outcomes.
12/ Now I& #39;ll try and apply this to the circumstances in which our dog Siffie died. To sum up some of the particulars:
13/
• We called the vet on Friday and the first empty slot was on Monday.
• In her 2.5 yrs she had had a number of health scares before and recovered well each time.
• Perhaps due to her being our first dog, we underestimated the severity of some symptoms.
• We called the vet on Friday and the first empty slot was on Monday.
• In her 2.5 yrs she had had a number of health scares before and recovered well each time.
• Perhaps due to her being our first dog, we underestimated the severity of some symptoms.
14/ We brought her into the vet on Monday morning, and she was transferred to a clinic right after. Eventual diagnosis was Immune Mediated Thrombocytopenia (ICP), a condition where the body& #39;s immune system starts destroying all blood platelets. She was bleeding internally ...
15/ ... (initially we thought it was only in her mouth) and on Monday night she developed ARDS (lung condition which appears not that dissimilar to severe Covid-19 cases) which, in combination with a blood platelet count of zero, was deemed not survivable.
16/ And so taking stock of all conditions and the knowledge we have now, I can imagine some universes were things would have taken a different course which eventually would have lead to Siffie& #39;s survival.
17/ I think what follows may be a reasonable philosophical way to reconcile the paradoxical statements of tweet 5 in this thread:
18/ Yes I do genuinely care about my family members, and my work in this area has kept them safe on many occasions. However sometimes chance and circumstance do lead to tragedy. It& #39;s my responsibility to learn from this and improve my skills in being a caretaker adult.
19/ But it& #39;s a fact if life that I am neither omniscient nor omnipotent. I& #39;m fallible. My powers are considerable, but at the same time inevitably limited.
I can manage risk but not ultimately control outcomes.
I can manage risk but not ultimately control outcomes.
20/ With the benefit of hindsight I would have acted earlier (even though ICP survival rates aren& #39;t good). But I didn& #39;t have access to that info at the time. I can& #39;t judge myself assuming that I should have known. We observed her closely and brought her in on Monday...
21/ ... and, painful is it is now, that was the best we knew how to do given the circumstances. (E.g. We thought she had a high chance of getting better on her own, saving us all a risky trip to the vet given the circumstances of the pandemic.)
22/ I feel a lot less guilty than I did last week. Talking helped, as well as a call with the vet. I never thought of working through guilt as an integral part of grieving, but it really seems to be so. I loved our dog so much.
One of the last photos, not even a week old...
One of the last photos, not even a week old...
23/ Thank you for listening. I welcome your thoughts and am especially curious to hear from people who have experience with unexpectedly losing a pet, friend or family member.
