Funny story time.

years ago, one of my parents’ old friends called our house sounding all disturbed and shit

he said he had been sent an ‘incriminating’ photo of me

immediately I started panicking because I was having a fling with an older woman on the ULTRA down low

and I thought maybe a photo had gotten out, which would have been bad for everyone

but I kept my best poker face while my mom was on the phone with the guy and acted perplexed

he just WOULDN’T say what the photo was though, he was too disgusted

this only heightened my internal panic cause I was thinking about all the embarrassing things that had transpired

this goes on for a half hour or so before the guy finally lets loose that it was a picture of me kissing a “Middle Eastern” guy

so at that moment I’m relieved but also like WTF because

1) I didn’t have any Middle Eastern acquaintances at the time

2) I wasn’t going around making out with guys either

so I think for a little bit and eventually I figure it out

I had gone to a barbecue with some friends a few weeks earlier and jokingly kissed my friend @HunterCrowther (who I love dearly) on the cheek, posting it on Instagram

He’s not Middle Eastern, he just had a beard

so this dude’s grandkids went on my Instagram, found the picture, and shared it with him

and to this very ignorant, very nosey dude, the idea that I (a legal adult at the time, mind you) might be gay was worth calling my mom (who laughed her ass off afterward) at 8 or 9PM

a couple years later, his son and brother in law were arrested as members of a very prolific truck hijacking ring

and it took everything within me not to call this asshole and tell him “SHOULDA BEEN PAYING ATTENTION TO YOUR OWN FAMILY, FUCKER”