i managed to know what is happening to me these days and yes i said i was happy but that was while watching the bangbangcon (i was the happiest person ever i swear) but this is just not the way i thought it was. i'm far from feeling happy, but it's not the end of the world.

and maybe it's the quarantine (i'm almost sure of it) and the fact that i've been more than a month without going outside. i feel completely discouraged and i never wanted that bad things to stop. it's like i'm trapped in my own negative feelings.

the way i know things aren't okay it's because when i'm stressed i tend to clean compulsively but this time i can't move from my bed and that is not stress it's anxious and depressive behavior and i know it well.

i thought it wasn't that deep but i'm too tired emotionally and i only want to be alone when i'm not usually this way. i'm not like this i can feel it.

i don't like to talk about my problems in this account since i made it to stan the boys and it has happy vibes, but i really don't have anyone to talk to right now: they have their own problems and i'm not a priority if they have problems. i should be a help, not a burden.

i'm even questioning myself for not being enough to people when i literally stopped doing it years ago. and when i see it from another angle, it's sad to see me in this situation. i even feel sad for feeling that miserable.

it gets worse when i realize that the people who's close to me isn't happy as well. i only think in them and how it affects me. if they are not happy then i am not, their problems are mine too. i always try to help them but this time it does not work bc i'm not okay.

if i can't help people then why should i feel happy? should i be allowed to feel okay when they are sad? i shouldn't until their problems are solved and they're happy.

but i am always positive: right now i'm at my worse while a month ago i was at my best, so that means i can be at my best another time. i know i can't be happy forever, and i know that now is that time. i have to heal myself first to heal my beloved ones.

my sorrow won't last forever, my sadness will fade. i will be happy and i will be healed. i will be strong and i will fight because i deserve to be happy. i'm a good person that deserves to be happy no matter the sadness and darkness that is on her way.

so that one thing bts taught me: you shown me i have reasons i should love myself. i've come to understand this thing and i may not feel that right now but i once did and of course i will feel that again.