CW: eating disorders/body dysphoria

I was about 14 and weighed roughly 150lbs in this picture, which is on the thinner side for someone with my build and 5'11/6ft tall. Seeing it now, I realize I was skinny, but during this time I was trying so, so hard to lose weight.

I monitored all the calories I ate; I went on fasts and drank only water for the entire day. If I ate something fatty, I would skip a meal as punishment. I started purging shortly after this, sometimes even taking laxatives so that my stomach would be as flat as possible.

I did it so I could look like the skinny white models i saw everywhere, so that people like a particularly nasty classmate, Jocelyn, wouldnt reminded me of the ways in which I wasn't skinny, of how my body didn't fit into whatever fucked up standard we were coerced into accepting

The worst part is that my mom and sister encouraged a lot of these behaviors, so I kept this up all through high school and didn't stop body shaming until maybe 3 yrs ago.

In all that time, not once was I happy with my body. I never felt good enough, pretty enough, skinny enough

Looking at these pictures now is a little painful. I see such a cute little teenager who I wish would have loved herself so much more, but body dysphoria is real and difficult to overcome when people around you body shame and encourage your unhealthy habits.

I wish I hadnt spent so many years feeling like shit about myself, treating my body so poorly and being so incredibly mean to myself. I was lucky enough that I didn't have any severe physical repercussions, but I'm still working through some emotional trauma. It's gotten better

I'm about 25lbs heavier and my thighs and hips are at their largest but I've learned (and am still learning) to appreciate and love my body. Sometimes, any change in my weight *almost* sends me spiraling but at least there isnt any name calling. its a small but welcomed victory

If this thread reaches anyone struggling with dysphoria: it's hard but please try to be kind and compassionate to yourself.

I'm not saying everyone's struggle with this is is the same and I'm by no means attempting to blindly hand out prescriptive advice. I'm just using this as a reminder (which I wish I had had) that regardless of body shape, size, etc. you deserve love

thx for coming to my TED talk