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Can I offer some hope? If you are having to process any type of abuse, or trauma, or undiagnosed childhood disorder, then the long road out to feeling connected to God again can feel endless. Hopeless. As if God is very far away. (He isn't. But it sure does feel like he is.)
For years your thoughts and emotions may stay stuck in a rut that makes reaching out to God feel mechanical and cold. Let me tell you as someone who has been there: He is not angry with you. He is close. Watchful. Compassionate. Patient.
He knows exactly how many steps you still have until you reach the place of feeling peace and connection again. And though he counts them with great anticipation, he knows that you can't skip over a single one.
Right now, the only prayer you can muster up may be a guttural, "help me!" It is enough. And if even that is still too much for you, he is fluent in the language of groaning. He hears you. Even when you cannot hear him.
The agony of feeling unseen in the midst of great sorrow is almost unbearable. But dear one, he is the God who SEES. And his eye is not on the exalted, proud, and arrogant. His eye is on the broken, exhausted, overwhelmed and defeated ones. He is OUR God!
Shame and hopelessness may be beating down like a relentless, blazing sun right now, but I hope you can find some temporary shade in this: He is coming for you. To comfort you and to cause you to STAND.
If you are unable to hope today, let me hope on your behalf. For the day when your head is lifted up and you KNOW that your God loves you. It is coming. You don't have to believe it now. I will believe it for you.
