tw// sadness in general i think???, depression, body issues, self-harm

i’ve been struggling with depression for a while now and i’ve been doing okay for the last two months or so. but with the pandemic and shit i haven’t been able to go out for one and a half months now and its-

taken a toll and me. i keep looking at other people’s photos and like every. fucking. one. of. them. is. pretty.

i’ve been trying to get over this but i cannot shake the envy i feel every time i see someone looking so pretty in their own skin even when they don’t see it. and i-

can not for the life of me do the same for myself. i can not see a single beautiful thing or think of something so beautiful about my personality and stuff. sometimes i truly hate myself to the point where all i can do is to harm myself in any way i can. i harm myself to stop my-

self from ending it all for real. and i has been really hard on me for a weeks now. i try to cut my nails so i dont harm myself in the guise of “itchiness”. i don’t cook anything cause everytime i hold i knife i think of just doing the a think that would make my mum sad
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i really do not know what to do and who to talk to cause i feel like i just bother them for no reason. even this thread is a bother in some sort but i did not know what else to do with these thoughs in my head. im sorry..