i didn't really answer the only question i posed. what paths are closed down? pretty much any path with stakes. the stakes are already too high for certain types of honesty.

why? I've made attempts at earnestness and participation that feel both genuine and performative. https://twitter.com/jazfloot/status/1252345243619348489

Like, oh, an opportunity to be nice. Or, oh, an opportunity for a hot take that might be helpful. but at the end of the day I'm a lot more concerned with how those people will respond. my default mode seems to be that I've already fundamentally failed in my attempt to particpate

in a way i fully endorse. I'm not being genuinely helpful. I'm seeking social clout, i want to be in the in-group. I've never struggled with this in life, but i'd always depart from friend groups after finding a newer, fresher, more genuine(?) self. the thing is, this

new self seems to be a radical emotional/behavoral response to the parts of the old self i didnt endorse. This has been a pattern since abandoning my first love, golf, lol. 6th grade seems t be the turning point of all things for me. i stopped reading, stopped golfing,

stopped crying (big), stopped doing anything that might be preyed upon by the taller, stronger, more popular, more beautiful. there are lots of examples of lost selves, my fave being a secret fascination with all things boy band. (Few know this.)

woo. i feel better. might go meta on this thread tomorrow and unpack a few things. might not need another alt. we'll see