I am now the owner of a sewing machine and the last three fucking bandanas in Auburn. I have never operated a sewing machine in my life, but this isn't ending soon and we need to be able to go out semi-safely for groceries and shit and now there are mask rules.

Things I have already learned about sewing before I even get home.

Thread is not machine specific and I didn't need to spend 15 minutes looking for a pack that matches my box

Buttons DO still come in big bags.

You won't find the big bag of buttons until you touch the lil bag

That you can look so pathetic and confused wandering around holding a machine that it spontaneously goes on sale by $25 to make you feel better about your many upcoming failures.

That 'ooh, I like how that looks' means way less when you can't just touch the fabrics

That my mother wasn't kidding about wanting 12 big ass things of yarn which I bought her because I love her and maybe I'm secretly hoping the pink and grey ones are for me because I'm the last nigga without a crocheted blanket

I have opened my machine, threaded my bobbin, opened my bobbin case, misunderstood the instructions and disassembled the entire shuttle, almost cried, found a sewing grampy on youtube who explains things JUST RIGHT, fixed my shuttle and mounted my bobbin.

I now understand exactly why the designers on Project Runway have screaming fits about someone jumping on their machine and changing their thread. I would get kicked off for biting a bitch if she came and swapped my pink thread to green after all this shit

Now...time to figure out how to get this threaded and shuttle nestled bobbin and this other spool of thread into the needle

You keep saying Take Up Lever and showing THIS DRAWING!
None of my shit looks like THIS THING, fam!

I'm now using the printed minimal instructions from the box (left) and the online manual (right) one of which is telling me to tug on a thing I don't see or recognize, one that shows NOTHING THERE, and then a THIRD diagram showing the first unrecognizable piece

Is that the thing I threaded my thread through to wind my bobbin? Because I tugged gently and that doesn't seem to move. No, the parts list calls that a thread GUIDE. Is it...is it INSIDE the face plate? Oh fuck, I'm going to end up rebuilding this fucking thing before I sew shit

I uh... I'm PRETTY SURE the thread takeup is INSIDE the face cover. I'M PRETTY SURE IT'S THE METAL PIECE I SEE INSIDE THE MACHINE WHERE I DO THE U LOOP TO THREAD THINGS. THERE'S NOTHING HERE!

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It turtles up SLIGHTLY if I crank my wheel a little further.

In case you're wondering. It took 5 websites before 1 was willing to believe me that I'm a BRAND NEW NEVER BEFORE learner without a more experienced sewer next to me doing it all for me when I get flustered

Have we resorted to making nursery rhymes like 'She go down, she go loop, she go loop, she go boop!" to thread our machine?

Yes, yes we have

I lit a joint and it got...easier? Lort, can I not build a thing or learn a skill sober anymore?

To be fair, I never could, it's part of why I started smoking weed. But I just shoutsang Truth Hurts in celebration of working the threading lever. The top thread is THREADED

So, top thread is in the needle. The needle goes down and up...and brings no loop with it. Something is incorrect with my bobbin. I have only 1 thread tail where everyone and everything says I should have two. I shall remove my bobbin and try that part again I guess?

I have achieved loop! But my bobbin thread is really short, should I crank a few more times to get more? I'm gonna crank again. Also, I am never changing this thread until it's gone. All things are pink now

I am either about to sew a thing for the first time, or cause an explosion. Probably only emotional.

please gawds of cashmere and cable knit, let the only explosions be emotional