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When It Rains, It Pours.
A thread about mental health, anxiety, depression, heartbreak and needing to reach out in a time of Corona.
A thread about mental health, anxiety, depression, heartbreak and needing to reach out in a time of Corona.
If u that know me u know that I haven't been in a great place mentally. My anxiety has gotten the best of me, manifested depression. So I'm creating this thread to promote positive talk around mental health amongst men because we are dying on the inside, feel alone nd can't speak
I quit social media temporarily because at this moment I feel it's not healthy for me. But today I'm here typing this because I hope this message can reach someone that, even just one person whose mind is going through the ringer like me. You are not alone. My DMs are open.
I've always had problems with anxiety, self-image, and occasional depression. My coping mechanism was always bottling it inside n hope it just goes away.
As a child, I grew up mostly havin to deal on my own so I always felt anxious that I was burdening people by opening up to about my suffering. Being a boy, growing up being told boys don't cry, being told man up. I feel like I am at fault. Or that there is something wrong with me
Yes, there is something wrong with me: it's just a chemical imbalance in my head with my body not producing enough serotonin. Much like diabetics have issues with their body producing the adequate amount of insulin. It's nothing to feel shame about.
But the stigma (esp around men) is so intense I felt I would rather I died on the inside alone than be judged by my peers. So my brain developed a tendency to grasp and reach for negative situations and just run a 20K marathon with some tiny thing.
Then it blows it out of proportion and starts picking up on other tiny things. The result being fear sometimes, and occasionally depression.
It took my girlfriend to get me to realise that I needed to confront my demons (my anxiety being the most prominent amongst them), because she deserved better.
So I started to unpack my history, my life, my past, my fears, my traumas, and fundamentally my self-worth as a human. I thought I could handle it on my own. What I didn't know was that I was opening a can of worms. My fears and anxieties poured out all at once n I was paralyzed
This happened just at about the time that the COVID-19 pandemic started to reach it's peak globally. The world started shutting down, social distancing and isolation started to reach more and more people. Just when I needed a helping hand, the hands started to disappear.
At around the same time, my girlfriend and self-confessed love of my life asked for a break to sort out some issues we had (many of my doing). That didn't really help matters. This isn't on her, she is a beautiful soul and meant well, it just happened coincidentally to be when...
... I was having a meltdown. I was scared and helpless. It took a close friend reaching out to me an referring me to a therapist that she knew well.
A brief moment to appreciate all the mental health practitioners out there adapting in these unprecedented COVID-19 times. As a practice that needs face-to-face upfront and personal contact with patients, and to scramble to offer therapy to people (many doing so for free). 
I was having a really rough time. Confronting the deepest void of my anxieties and fears. Add that to being locked at home for 5 weeks straight, add the inability to reach my closest friends, and my fears of overburdening people... It felt like I was drowning.
My mind went through a maddening tornado of anxiety and depression. I felt so alone (while having so many wonderful friends). I was so scared. The nights were long and dark (thank you ZESCO for the loadshedding).
But with a little bit of professional help, a lot of love and support, and the ability to talk to someone about what I was going through, things got better.
The love of my life would then end our relationship, for reasons unrelated to my mental health. It won't get into the details of it. She had her reasons to do so, and I love and respect her for it. It was just a Series of Unfortunately Timed Events.
Special thanks to those of you that dropped everything to reach out to me in moments when I was at my darkest. To be clear, I nevr was suicidal. As an empath, suicide is not the easy way out for me because I that would be punishing the people I love which is the last thing I want
But for those of you that took the time to check on me and pull me out of the dark. I owe you more than you'll ever know. Because in a time when we are not legally allowed physically reach out to people even in times of need, you pull through for me.
But we still live in unprecedented and difficult times, so if anyone needs to talk, I'm no professional, but my DMs are open to listen to you. We need to break the silence.
