TODAY at 2 PM (eastern; about 4 hours from now) @NIH_OITE is hosting a webinar on "Developing Feedback Resilience". Learning to take feedback without internalizing negative self-talk is a critical skill! Sign up to learn more today from @SHARONMILGRAM
https://www.training.nih.gov/events/view/_2/3277/Building_Feedback_Resilience

Here we go!

We NEED feedback to know whats going on, to grow, and to learn. Without feedback we can't know where we stand, what we're doing well, what we're doing not so well, and how we can improve.

It can be hard to receive feedback because there's tension between 2 critical needs: to grow & develop, but to be accepted for who we are.

This makes it easy to get defensive as it makes us question who we are.

This is especially true if the feedback is something thats part of our *highly* valued self.

Also, it can be hard to hear positive feedback if we don't feel we deserve it or are a perfectionist

Giving feedback is also hard! Feedback is often delivered poorly -- with too much anger, repeated too many times, and with many inaccuracies.

We fear resistance or an emotional response; worry it will be perceived as personal; we don't get enough practice; may not have the best role models; cultural & gender differences may add another dimension of stress; fear consequences of speaking up when delivered to superiors.

The foundation for giving feedback well and receiving feedback well: we need to develop resilience, wellness, and self-advocacy skills.

We must learn to take care of ourselves & to be resilient and respond positively in a stressful situation.

Definition: feedback is all of the information available to you and yourself every day.

This can be formal or informal, spoken or unspoken, direct or indirect, invited or uninvited.

We need to understand all of the things that derail us from being receptive to feedback or willing to give feedback.

3 types of feedback:
Appreciation feedback: motivate someone to keep doing good work
Coaching feedback: change the way something is done, increase knowledge/skills/abilities
Evaluation feedback: address/clarify expectations

We all vary in how much of the 3 types of feedback we like and how much we need.

Example: you may enjoy and like appreciation feedback, or you may find it embarrassing and unnecessary.

If you find yourself frustrated during feedback perhaps you are getting the wrong kind of feedback. Maybe you seek coaching feedback but are only being given appreciation feedback.

First principles

When giving/receiving feedbag, consider: your communication style & that of the other party

Differences in communication styles are dramatically impacted by power differences.

Ex: getting feedback from your PI can so SO stressful. If you aspire to be a PI one day REMEMBER how it feels to be the person at the bottom of this power difference. You can channel this in the long term to be a better communicator/mentor/manager.

To create productive relationships it is necessary to 1) understand your own communication style, and 2) flex to the style of those you work with!

Recommended reading: People Styles at Work and Beyond by Bolton and Bolton https://www.amazon.com/People-Styles-Work-Beyond-Relationships/dp/0814413420

Dr. @SHARONMILGRAM is showing a model to define 4 main communication styles based on a continuum of assertiveness and responsiveness. I'm not skilled enough at communication to put this into words, so if you aren't watching live definitely watch the replay of this talk!

4 styles:
1) The Driver Style
High assertiveness, low responsiveness. These people get to the point, lack outward warmth, enjoy controlling the agenda, make quick decisions, interrupt a lot.

2) The Expressive Style
High assertiveness, high responsiveness. These people talk very fast, use gestures, take initiate, control flow of discussion, have trouble listening and often dominate, encourage informality, share emotions and feelings.

3) The Amiable Style
Low assertiveness, high responsiveness. These people put others over task, easily reach out, listen attentively, use warmth & emotion to connect, avoid using power, make decisions in a slow deliberate way that are very people based (how will this impact you?)

4) The Analytical Style
Low assertiveness, low responsiveness. These people seem controlled and unemotional, like order and time to prepare, often hold their opinions back, express measured opinions, often seem hard to get to know.

Think about: what is your dominant style? What about your PI or other managers? How might you adjust to their style? How might they adjust to your style?
Would you be able to discuss this with your superior?

Each style has strengths and liabilities. No style is "better" or "worse" than the other. But understanding the different styles of the people you work with and report to may be super helpful in being able to effectively give/receive feedback!

Amiable: may not take initiative to give feedback, may soften feedback in a helpful or unhelpful way, will focus on showing they care during and afterward
Driver: feedback can feel harsh/direct, may drive the agenda, may talk over you, may end meeting quickly.

Analytical: may not take initiative to give feedback, may need time to prep in advance, may need time to think during discussion, may not provide a lot of detail.
Expressive: feedback may easily get off topic, may repeat themselves, may talk over you, may ask a lot of questions.

And again - not only the style of the person GIVING the feedback, but also the style of the person RECEIVING.

Are 2 drivers involved? This can turn into a heated situation very quickly.
2 analyticals? May never get around to the discussion even though they need to.

Should we be communicating what type of feedback we need?

ABSOLUTELY.

In a healthy colleague (or mentor/mentee) relationship you are able to express what you need from someone & theyre able to respond.

Managing up = flexing your style to your boss

You can do this day to day, but see if your manager can also flex to your style a little bit

Both put your needs on the table, meet in the middle

Often we look at our own communication style and we don't like it. Find support to work through what you don't like about your style so you can embrace the strengths your style brings (& learn skills to fill gaps you may have that you don't like!)

How can I bring up a discussion on different styles?

A good way to bring up this discussion is to share you learned something interesting that may help you work more effectively & you'd welcome a chance to talk about it.

Data suggests we can ALL communicate effectively as long as we are aware of our style and others & work to make change.

Fundamentally two styles aren't 100% incompatible.

Assume you can communicate effectively with everyone who is trying to communicate with you in good faith.

To become feedback savvy we need to develop self-awareness around our communication style & that of the other party, typical stress and feedback response, our cultural lenses and view of hierarchy, our go-to cognitive distortions, and triggers that come up for us in the moment.

Four tools for developing self-awareness:

journaling

practicing mindfulness

talking with mentors, peers, friends, and family

therapy and support groups

3 Types of Feedback Triggers
1) Truth: question if the feedback is accurate or not
2) Relationship: do we like/trust this person?
3) Identity: feedback challenges an important part of our identity

This is so much more complicated when the feedback is from someone whose opinion we deeply care about.

So no wonder feedback is hard.

Feedback occurs in 3 dimensions:

Past: what happened to bring us to now? Data+interpretation

Present: What is going on now? Triggers, motions, physical sensations, distortions.

Future: What should I do going forward? Behavior change + follow-up.

Focus on the *present* so you can learn about the past and eventually get to discussing the future!

Deal with the present moment (skills take practice!):
When giving/receiving feedback if you get very tense use deep breaths to relax that tension a bit.
Inoculate yourself by remembering the deliverer's communication style

Calm your distortions and triggers by gently acknowledging them.
Hold off on responding if angry or upset (when receiving feedback OR if someone asks for feedback); ask for time if you need it!
Offer a "thank you" for the feedback.

Understand the past:

Ask clarifying questions (not asking to debate, ask with the goal of learning). Only do this if it's safe to do so.
Use empathic listening skills to show you heard the feedback.
Offer explanations *if warranted*

Look to the future:

Offer and ask for suggestions for behavioral change.
Request a follow-up meeting to assure appropriate action.

After a difficult feedback interaction:

Seek support/guidance for talking through what happened, how you feel, and what you might like to do moving forward

Spend time focusing on the feedback interaction and not on the feedback (what did you handle well? what are you proud of?)

Focus on the intent to help you improve & not the impact (didn't feel good)

Revisit the feedback when you are clam enough to focus on it

Focus on the idea of perceptions rather than whether the feedback is right or wrong (can you change the perception?)