the deepest healing with my parents came when i showed them that i was not afraid to be in the world completely on my own if it meant no longer accepting how they treated me. i believe in sacrifice so much i was willing to hurt myself to make a point and be a catalyst for change.

i was never going to be able to hold my parents accountable for their abusive ways if i didn't show them that i was unafraid of giving up everything to be free. and i wasn't about to play nice when it came to negotiating my treatment.

now my parents are in their healing. seeing how their own pasts have shaped their present and doing their own work to become healthier and more at peace and not so willing to externalize their pain or ignore themselves.i have always known my parents loved me but that's not enough

love is not enough when it means i can't hold you accountable for the ways your actions directly bring harm to me. that's not love. that's control and possession. it's the most closed hearted behavior imaginable ... escaping accountability and expecting loyalty. it's abusive.

i had to have that courage because my wellbeing depended on it and i chose me. i had to. for the first time, i had to choose myself over a relationship with them because they can't have a relationship at all if i wither away from this stress and die.

i knocked my parents off of their pedestal. i love them for bringing me into this world but that does not make them my god or give them permission to treat me like i'm not my own person with my own will. a parent is supposed to be a guide, not a slave master.

my parents raised me to "fear" them and all it did was make me not respect them at all. why would you want anyone you love to fear you at the same time? fear and love are literal opposites of one another. fear makes it so you cannot even access love. make it make sense.

we have had to rebuild trust, respect, and boundaries. we still work on it but i know that if i kept being scared of disappointing them, i'd ultimately fail myself. and that's something i can't live with. i cant live with the feeling of betraying myself. it hurts me too much.