Let’s play #RateThatFish, starting with some butterflyfishes. I’ll give them a score from 0-10. First up, Chaetodon lineolatus, a tired, uninspired yellow and white butterflyfish. Perfect if you want to look like the other 50,000 with the same color scheme. 2/10.

This horrifific looking accident can’t decide if it wants to look like a paved road, stony asphalt, or a weather beaten foot path. Thankfully, those are all unanimously 1/10. Next.

If every single tick in North Carolina were to bite a fish at once, this would be it. It’s red tail and cool face faint are redeeming qualities though. 4/10

Some might say this fish is heinous. Some will even call it grotesque. But those steel cut dorsal fin spines? Them aluminium scales and nickel head? This positively METAL butterflyfish scores a solid 8.5/10.

Skinny, chic, fierce. The most beautiful of the beaked butterflies. Sensational color palette. Minimalist design. If Chanel boots and birkin bags were a fish. 10/10 tres magnifique

Low budget knock off. 5/10

This bump headed Frankenstein looks like a bruised fruit that nobody wants to buy at the grocer. See that dirty colored back? It’s probably pus. 0/10. Yucks

Imagine how TIRED we are of you. Raccoon butterfly sweety, I’m sorry this species exists. 1/10.

In the words of Lady Gaga herself: talented, brilliant, incredible, amazing, show stopping, spectacular, never the same, totally unique, completely not ever been done before, unafraid to reference or not reference. 10/10 APPLAUSE. Ugh. Perfection.

I wasn’t even gonna rate this but.... poor her. Evolution has failed her. If an oatmeal raisin cookie were a fish, it wouldn’t even be this. -1/10

Legend has it that the Greek god Helios rode across the sky with the fiery sun trailing his horse drawn carriage. The sun wasn’t even as bright as this fish. 11/10. A MASTERPIECE.

This triangular EXCELLENCE is unparalleled in its beauty. That toasty face? Umami. Keywords that come to my mind when I see this fish: delta. Microchip. Technology. Tomato soup. 10/10 BRILLIANT!!’

god do I have to rate these? 2.5/10. Same for the previous one (I forgot).

If you enjoy filler songs in a mediocre pop album, then this one is for you! *cough* birthday cake by Katy Perry. 2/10

Some of y’all salty over my 5/10 rating for rostratus. Look, he’s a gorgeous fish, and one of my favorites. But as long as marginalis exists, I’m sorry, your boy gotta take a back seat. 5/10 maintained.

WHO IS SHE???? How dare she. Coming in hot with that side eye. And SIDES WITH EYES. They don’t call her QUADRIMACULATUS for nothing! Miss Nebraska young corn husker beauty queen award winner. So pretty. 9/10

I’m not sure if I love or hate this. He looks mysterious and full of secrets. I love that little sliver of white on its tail, tipped with yellow, like a custard tipped icicle boomerang. 7.5/10. 1 extra point for not being yellow and basic. 8.5/10.

We all have that one cousin at the family dinner. Harvard graduate. Ex-marine. MS MD PhD. Wears a tailored suit ALWAYS. With, surprise..a POCKET SQUARE. We all hate them but deep inside we all wanna be them. 10/10 this fish. Prognathodes aya.

So BOLD. So BRASH. So BEAUTIFUL. A modern masterpiece. Pastel lavender, champagne fins. BIG BOLD LINES?? God damn it. I can’t even. 100/10!

Photo by Francois Libert/Flickr

Vampiric, campy, 80s glam realness. Adam lambert wanted to be this fish so bad in his early career. I’m glad he stopped trying, because honestly who would even come close. 9/10. -1 point for looking like a square.