Today is a fun day because today is my 10th year on T and THIS is a long thread that I will NOT apologize for because almost no one ever tells our stories so we do. ;)

10 years on T is an interesting milestone to reach, because trans masc people tend to fade away from community events after a few years. So, I don’t really know much about how other trans masc people feel at 10 years. But, here's how I feel!

I was 17 when I realized I was trans after I stumbled upon a trans man’s LiveJournal page (it was 2007, okay) and suddenly the puzzle in my head solved itself.

I suddenly had no understanding of what my future could look like.

I looked up movies about trans men, and the only things out there were Boys Don’t Cry and Max on the L Word. So, I wasn’t really off to a great start.

It took me 17 years to even realize I was trans because I hadn’t even known being a trans man was an option. I had never seen a trans masculine character in a show or even heard the concept referenced.

I’m currently reading Lou Sullivan’s diaries and he has this great quote from when he was 13 - “I wanna look like what I am but I don’t know what someone like me looks like.” https://www.newyorker.com/books/page-turner/lou-sullivans-diaries-are-a-radical-testament-to-trans-happiness

When I realized I was trans, I spent hundreds of hours staring at photos of trans men on LiveJournal communities. It was soothing to know that I wasn’t the only one like me, and suddenly I had some idea of what I could expect to look like.

Transitioning isn’t easy in any aspect of the word. Being Charlie is easy, because I’m exactly the same.

It’s being trans that still often feels hard.

It’s not easy to wake up in this world as a trans person. It’s hard to know that there are people who want us to die and take away our rights, and those people like to focus a lot on all of the “whys” of trans people.

“Why are you a trans man? Did you absorb some sort of chemical in the womb? Are you a bad lesbian? Is it because you like to do masculine things? Did I ask already if you’re just really, really bad at being a lesbian?” - someone, probably

At some point, I stopped wondering why I’m trans. It stopped mattering. I knew that I felt euphoric when people called me the right name and pronouns, and that it felt like the wind got knocked out of me when that didn’t happen.

For whatever reason, I’m trans, and it ultimately doesn’t matter why. I wish people would just let us be.

I’m thankful that I’ve had the ability to access transition-related care, even as the medical establishment remains a cissexist nightmare even as the law and ethics are on our side.

But, that’s a thread about blatant discrimination for a different time.

There are so many things I want to talk about with T - how hard it was to get, how I had to rely on friends to drive me an hour away to get to twice monthly appointments, how much happier I felt. But, there’s no time! You’ll just have to become my friend! Too bad for us!

Thinking back to that Lou Sullivan quote (“I wanna look like what I am but I don’t know what someone like me looks like.”) still feels true as I enter my 30s and pass my 10th year on T and other milestones. I am still unsure of “what someone like me looks like.” Anyway.

1) trans people don’t owe anyone anything 2) before and after pictures are cliche but they’re important for lots of us SLASH today is my 10 YEARS ON T SO DEAL WITH IT 3) I am so much happier in the second picture and I’m so thankful for ten years on the beard juice.