We are watching Dark Phoenix.

There’s more blue furries here than a Smurf orgy.

Am I wrong, or does it seem like casting took a real step backward in this one?

Not trying to be mean but...huh.

I like Pietro and Charles, still hard to get used to sweetie pie Mystique.

But the rest of the cast seems so drowsy and uninvolved...

If I keep this up, I am gonna end up livetweeting the whole movie and I have a feeling that might not go well.

WAIT WAIT WAIT. NO ONE TOLD ME SHE WAS IN THIS MOVIE OH MY GOD MY SWEET BABY DAZ

SUDDENLY THIS IS THE BEST MOVIE EVER

OH MOVIES GODDAMMIT WHY CAN’T YOU GET STORM RIGHT.

She’s STORM. She is a STAR.

She’s not the ice maker at a bad party.

Plus, damn, movie. Quit TALKING about stuff and show some of it, please.

Also, X-men who are loved by civilians will always feel weird, like Carrot Top being welcome, well, anywhere.

And why is Jessica Chastain a better Emma than January Jones when she’s not even playing Emma?

Movie, I can fix you. Let me rewrite you and put in more Dazzler.

Uh oh, they are channeling the end of the Blues Brothers movie.

I have a large bundle of unwashed socks that are more like Nightcrawler than this.

More talking. Charles, can;t you narrate some other movie and have the X-men mayhem do something or whatever?

Jennifer Lawrence looks like she can barely contain her glee and getting out of this movie.

I have to say, the guy playing Beast is doing good work, but why did they give him Scott’s role?

For god’s sake, why have Storm and Nightcrawler in a movie and end up giving them a ticket for loitering?

Jessica Chastain is playing WHAT IF ABBA Murdered Everyone?

Okay, Michael Fassbender, in two seconds you stole every bit of focus from the main character and now I just want a movie with you and Dazzler playing Gnip Gnop.

Dear movie, maybe not have every mutant act bored and full of existential ennui.

They gots powers and costumes and shit.

Congratulations, movie, you just had Magneto defeated by falling into some bicycles.

Things this movie has messed up

Nightcrawler
Storm
Magneto
One of the greatest superhero stories ever told
The franchise
Redheads
Humanity
My brain

This movie makes me wistful for the carefree joyous days of CATWOMAN.

I’ve decided to start a hashtag movement for this movie.

#SupressThePhoenixCut

I feel like I should stop, I don’t want to be mean.

But this MOVIE.

There was a time when the X-men were the biggest thing in comics and animation, they were bigger than the company that spawned them.

This feels like a remake of a sad toy line. It’s only missing Dolphin Lundgren.

I honestly had no idea it would sting so bad to see another poor misuse of Ororo and Kurt.

Phoenix is supposed to be terrifying but I am far more scared of onset catatonia brought about by an acute case of Xavier’s philosophical discussions.

ACTUAL MAGNETO QUOTE RIGHT NOW: “You’re always sorry, Charles, and there’s always a speech. But no one cares anymore.”

Dear movie.

You speak what’s in our hearts.

Is this guy supposed to be Omega Red?

This fight scene is a mess.

Scott just kicked Beast over a car.

Wha?

Holy crap, this scene is tasteless and makes me hate Jean more than I am supposed to. Ugh.

Good god, how did they get me to root AGAINST the X-men?

Wait. Normal soldiers just took out Storm, Kurt, and Beast?

Movie, goddammit.

You have un-sexied the X-men.

They just made Nightcrawler worse and I didn’t think that was possible.

Okay, smiling Murdercrawler did it for me. I’m tapping out.

I don’t like anyone on this screen anymore.

Also, the Phoenix Effect is just a lava lamp and glitter paint.

Good night, everyone.

To everyone who liked this film or worked on it, I’m sorry, good for you. It was just not for me, clearly.