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I have eleven questions for you.
I don’t need the answers.
You do.
A thread.
(Content warning posted.)
I don’t need the answers.
You do.
A thread.
(Content warning posted.)
1. Do you have an expectation of privacy in your home? Can you reset your computer or phone’s passcode without someone becoming angry? Can you use a computer without being supervised? Can you go for a walk or drive alone? Make calls?
2. Is someone aggressively critical of your contribution to the household? By this, I don’t mean,
“hey, there’s a better way to do that.”
I mean,
“You’re worthless, you can’t do anything, I have to do everything myself because you just screw it up.”
“hey, there’s a better way to do that.”
I mean,
“You’re worthless, you can’t do anything, I have to do everything myself because you just screw it up.”
3. Does someone tell you that your behavior makes them angry, sad, violent?
Does someone require you to regulate their emotions by performing to their command, regardless of your choices and feelings?
Are you allowed to react negatively to their anger, sadness, or violence?
Does someone require you to regulate their emotions by performing to their command, regardless of your choices and feelings?
Are you allowed to react negatively to their anger, sadness, or violence?
4. Have you been accused of unfaithfulness, or required to prove your fidelity, or require you be monitored to be certain of your movements? This also includes tracking your phone or requiring you to show your text messages/private messages.
5. Do you have full access to the household’s finances?
Can you log into your bank account/credit accounts?
Are you on the lease or on the mortgage/deed?
A registered owner of any vehicles?
Do you have passwords for the utilities?
(Or at least, have access to them.)
Can you log into your bank account/credit accounts?
Are you on the lease or on the mortgage/deed?
A registered owner of any vehicles?
Do you have passwords for the utilities?
(Or at least, have access to them.)
6. Does a partner tell you that your friends & family are interfering to break you up with that partner?
Does your partner isolate you from them?
Does your partner insist on being present at social events?
Does your partner “interrupt” your work time to see who you’re talking to?
Does your partner isolate you from them?
Does your partner insist on being present at social events?
Does your partner “interrupt” your work time to see who you’re talking to?
7. Do you have a safe place to sleep, where you are allowed to fall asleep & stay asleep, except in emergencies?
This doesn’t include small children, but does include tweens & teenagers old enough to understand the difference between want and emergency.
This doesn’t include small children, but does include tweens & teenagers old enough to understand the difference between want and emergency.
8. Do you have access to your own medication? Can you change pharmacies? Does anyone interfere with you taking it on time, tamper with it, or withhold it? Has anyone ever threatened to take your meds, or ever messed with them? (This includes barrier contraception.)
9. Do you have access to the household food?
Is food withheld from you?
Can you trust that the food you eat is not contaminated with your allergens or otherwise adulterated?
Do you have access to the pet food?
Is food withheld from you?
Can you trust that the food you eat is not contaminated with your allergens or otherwise adulterated?
Do you have access to the pet food?
10. Are your possessions safe?
Has anything been cut or burned, either in your presence or your absence?
Has anything been given away, trashed or sold without your consent?
Are your possessions more likely to be “accidentally” or “coincidentally” destroyed?
Has anything been cut or burned, either in your presence or your absence?
Has anything been given away, trashed or sold without your consent?
Are your possessions more likely to be “accidentally” or “coincidentally” destroyed?
11. Have you been pinched, slapped, spit on, kicked, elbowed?
Has anyone else been threatened to maintain your compliance (including pets)?
This also includes reckless driving when you were a passenger, or pushing on train platforms/crosswalks.
Has anyone else been threatened to maintain your compliance (including pets)?
This also includes reckless driving when you were a passenger, or pushing on train platforms/crosswalks.
If you answered yes to any these questions, you have experienced a level of emotional abuse.
If you have answered yes to several, or if you experience at least one regularly, this is a significant concern.
If you have answered yes to several, or if you experience at least one regularly, this is a significant concern.
Anyone can be abused.
And anyone can be an abuser.
Abuse is not exclusive to any gender or orientation. Men can be abused by women. Women can be abused by women. Men can be abused by men.
Trans, non-binary & bi-pan people are at higher risk of abuse.
And anyone can be an abuser.
Abuse is not exclusive to any gender or orientation. Men can be abused by women. Women can be abused by women. Men can be abused by men.
Trans, non-binary & bi-pan people are at higher risk of abuse.
Right now, home is generally the safest place to be, but that is not true if you’re experiencing abuse in your home.
And this especially not true if you’re experiencing an invisible abuse — emotional, financial, sexual.
And this especially not true if you’re experiencing an invisible abuse — emotional, financial, sexual.
Intimate partner sexual violence is not strictly “forced sex”.
It also includes withholding non-sexual intimacy as punishment & denying access to contraception.
It includes sexual contact when you cannot consent, including a partner masturbating against your sleeping body.
It also includes withholding non-sexual intimacy as punishment & denying access to contraception.
It includes sexual contact when you cannot consent, including a partner masturbating against your sleeping body.
Most critically:
If you have been hit, slapped, punched, whipped or otherwise harmed, or if you have witnessed someone in your household harm another person, it is essential that you implement a safety plan for yourself and your household.
If you have been hit, slapped, punched, whipped or otherwise harmed, or if you have witnessed someone in your household harm another person, it is essential that you implement a safety plan for yourself and your household.
This may mean you need to call the cops, even if you prefer to never interact with the police.
Shelter in place orders mean our usual means of escape, avoidance and appeasement have gotten much more difficult, and being confined elevates your risk of more serious harm.
Shelter in place orders mean our usual means of escape, avoidance and appeasement have gotten much more difficult, and being confined elevates your risk of more serious harm.
There is no such thing as Just A Little strangling/choking.
If someone has put their hands on your neck during an argument (or during sex without your extremely explicit consent, including multiple safe stop signals) you are SIX TIMES more likely to die at that person’s hands.
If someone has put their hands on your neck during an argument (or during sex without your extremely explicit consent, including multiple safe stop signals) you are SIX TIMES more likely to die at that person’s hands.
This is not about kink, it’s about consent.
Nobody can consent to murder.
Strangulation can easily become permanent damage or death, over hours or DAYS.
Bruising from strangulation may cause blood clots, acute respiratory distress & pneumonia, and rupture of the carotid arteries.
Nobody can consent to murder.
Strangulation can easily become permanent damage or death, over hours or DAYS.
Bruising from strangulation may cause blood clots, acute respiratory distress & pneumonia, and rupture of the carotid arteries.
And if your safe signal has ever, even once, been ignored for even a moment, that person is NOT safe, should not have access to your body, cannot be considered someone who fully understands consent.
Seriously — edge play plus a golden shower is safer than breath play.
If you recognize yourself in any of this, it is not your fault.
You did not sign up to be abused.
It doesn’t matter who you are: there are options for getting out and getting safe.
And you need to make this plan now.
You did not sign up to be abused.
It doesn’t matter who you are: there are options for getting out and getting safe.
And you need to make this plan now.
Here’s sample safety plan. You decide what yours looks like — what events, who you trust at your back.
What you’re going to do.
I can’t tell you what your safety plan looks like, because I don’t live in your life.
I can only tell you that you need one.
https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan
What you’re going to do.
I can’t tell you what your safety plan looks like, because I don’t live in your life.
I can only tell you that you need one.
https://ncadv.org/personalized-safety-plan
And here’s a set of tools to DIY this. http://stoprelationshipabuse.org/help/develop-a-safety-plan/
I know you don’t want to think about it.
I know it’s terrifying, and you’ve gotten used to the fear you live with every day.
I know the familiar fear is way more comfortable than the unknown.
I know you think if you can just weather a few more days, it will get better.
I know it’s terrifying, and you’ve gotten used to the fear you live with every day.
I know the familiar fear is way more comfortable than the unknown.
I know you think if you can just weather a few more days, it will get better.
Sure, it might, for a few days.
That’s the cycle of abuse.
The person hurting you gets a lot of pleasure out of hurting you.
(Even if they deny it.)
They don’t want it to end, so they know they can’t push you too hard, hurt you too badly.
They know they have to mouth the apology.
That’s the cycle of abuse.
The person hurting you gets a lot of pleasure out of hurting you.
(Even if they deny it.)
They don’t want it to end, so they know they can’t push you too hard, hurt you too badly.
They know they have to mouth the apology.
And they also have learned that every time they say the magic I’m sorry words, they’ll get another opportunity to hurt you.
Your abuser wants you powerless, because that makes them feel stronger, more in control.
Your abuser wants you powerless, because that makes them feel stronger, more in control.
I know that in your mind you want to say, “but they can’t help it! Their parents abused them/their ex was cruel/they got broken.”
Your abuser 100% can help it.
They manage to control themselves around people with more power.
They have a choice.
They just don’t choose you.
Your abuser 100% can help it.
They manage to control themselves around people with more power.
They have a choice.
They just don’t choose you.
I’m sorry.
Being abused doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love.
It doesn’t mean you deserve this in any way.
This is not your fault.
You don’t cause it.
It just means that you’re being abused.
And it’s time to get out.
Being abused doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love.
It doesn’t mean you deserve this in any way.
This is not your fault.
You don’t cause it.
It just means that you’re being abused.
And it’s time to get out.
First thing: the device you’re reading this on? Go change the passcode. If you use face recognition, disable it. If you use a fingerprint, use a different finger (your non dominant hand, not index or thumb) as a backup; once you’re certain you know the code, erase that one, too.
Don’t mention it.
Don’t use numbers your abuser knows. No birthdates, no anniversaries.
Change the activate lock screen to the shortest time your device allows and turn off ALL notifications.
Yeah, it will be a pain in the butt. But you need a secure line that is 100% yours.
Don’t use numbers your abuser knows. No birthdates, no anniversaries.
Change the activate lock screen to the shortest time your device allows and turn off ALL notifications.
Yeah, it will be a pain in the butt. But you need a secure line that is 100% yours.
Next: change your passwords. If your abuser tracks you through your social media, you probably know which platform they use most to control you.
Personally, I’d leave that one open to them, so they don’t get suspicious, but I’d also only use it the way they expect it to be used.
Personally, I’d leave that one open to them, so they don’t get suspicious, but I’d also only use it the way they expect it to be used.
Add another account, a secret one. Only access that one through the browser, not through the app. Make sure you log out of that one and into your main one every time you use it.
Bring a VERY few people you trust into that circle.
Bring a VERY few people you trust into that circle.
I’d also change the passwords only a little. Switch a couple of characters, add a couple at the end.
Stuff that can be passed off as your abuser getting it wrong, not you doing anything.
This is gaslighting in service of your safety — you need secure lines out.
Stuff that can be passed off as your abuser getting it wrong, not you doing anything.
This is gaslighting in service of your safety — you need secure lines out.
If you’re on an iOS device, when you go into Safari and open a new window, it will give you the option of private browsing. Use this, and close every window you open when you’re done.
You need to locate an email address for your closest police department.
You need to locate an email address for your closest police department.
In Android, it’s similar — new private tab in the browser, under the ... symbol. Make sure you close this window when you’re done.
On a laptop/desktop? Clear cookies & history every time you walk away from the machine.
On a laptop/desktop? Clear cookies & history every time you walk away from the machine.
Online abuse is part of the landscape now, and police are often singularly unequipped to handle it.
But there are tools to protect yourself and gather evidence you will need.
Start here:
http://www.crashoverridenetwork.com
But there are tools to protect yourself and gather evidence you will need.
Start here:
http://www.crashoverridenetwork.com
You also need contact information for your closest domestic violence organization.
YES, they’re still operating.
YES, they will help you.
YES, even if you’re male or non-binary or trans.
YES, even if you are bigger than your partner and your partner is an emotional abuser.
YES, they’re still operating.
YES, they will help you.
YES, even if you’re male or non-binary or trans.
YES, even if you are bigger than your partner and your partner is an emotional abuser.
Part of the problem with shelter in place is how much harder it is to make a call without being overheard.
That’s why you need email or text communication. Those can be done quietly.
Domestic abuse chat line in the United States:
https://www.thehotline.org/help/
Or text LOVEIS to 22522
That’s why you need email or text communication. Those can be done quietly.
Domestic abuse chat line in the United States:
https://www.thehotline.org/help/
Or text LOVEIS to 22522
Okay, once you’ve got your safety plan.
The person you pick as your safe person may not be a family member — if you come from an abusive background or a religiously fundamentalist one, I’d suggest *against* a family member, because there’s a good chance they won’t be your ally.
The person you pick as your safe person may not be a family member — if you come from an abusive background or a religiously fundamentalist one, I’d suggest *against* a family member, because there’s a good chance they won’t be your ally.
They may be a work colleague. Maybe a therapist or healthcare provider. Again, you know who you consider most safe.
You likely feel like you don’t want to bother that person with your problem.
Please — bother the person you trust.
We’d rather be bothered than see you hurt.
You likely feel like you don’t want to bother that person with your problem.
Please — bother the person you trust.
We’d rather be bothered than see you hurt.
Next, pack a go bag. It’s something you can carry. It needs your most important papers — ID, health insurance card, social security card, meds, birth certificate/passport if you have one nearby, immigration docs.
3 days of comfortable clothing & an extra pair of shoes, a charger.
3 days of comfortable clothing & an extra pair of shoes, a charger.
You can call this a hospital bag.
Hell, even pack one for your abuser (minus your abuser’s papers) if that keeps them from getting suspicious.
Pack one for any children or pets that need to go, too, because when you go, everyone vulnerable is going with you.
Hell, even pack one for your abuser (minus your abuser’s papers) if that keeps them from getting suspicious.
Pack one for any children or pets that need to go, too, because when you go, everyone vulnerable is going with you.
Alternately, prepare to lock your abuser out, if your abuser still goes to work. (Especially if several of you being abused & only one abuser.)
As soon as they leave, call the police, and a locksmith to change the locks.
You’re going to need a temporary protection order.
As soon as they leave, call the police, and a locksmith to change the locks.
You’re going to need a temporary protection order.
Staying in your home & expelling your abuser is *significantly* riskier. Your abuser knows entries & exits; they have a legal right to be there until a protection order is in place. If you choose this, be very careful & work with your local police to your maximum ability.
I don’t recommend it, unless you’ve got a VERY strong local, social network you can rely upon, because you’re going to need it.
If you do take this route, and there are guns in the home, turn them over to the police. You’re more likely to die by that gun than kill your abuser.
If you do take this route, and there are guns in the home, turn them over to the police. You’re more likely to die by that gun than kill your abuser.
If you’re leaving, consider a range of money needed. If you have an emergency credit card, this is the time to use it.
As soon as possible, call the company and either take your partner off the card, or ask the card company to set a pass phrase to make any changes to the account.
As soon as possible, call the company and either take your partner off the card, or ask the card company to set a pass phrase to make any changes to the account.
You can also do this with your bank.
If you have joint accounts, you are an equal owner of that account.
If you have children, they have a right to be supported by both parents.
Even if you’ve been the stay home parent.
Even if your partner makes more money than you.
If you have joint accounts, you are an equal owner of that account.
If you have children, they have a right to be supported by both parents.
Even if you’ve been the stay home parent.
Even if your partner makes more money than you.
Or even if you support your abusive partner.
That’s not uncommon — financial abuse doesn’t have to be the person with more money withholding from the person with less.
It can also be using guilt and shame and fear to force the abused to maintain the abuser.
That’s not uncommon — financial abuse doesn’t have to be the person with more money withholding from the person with less.
It can also be using guilt and shame and fear to force the abused to maintain the abuser.
Warning: There’s a good chance your partner has been lying to you about money.
It’s going to be surprising, no matter what.
You may find there’s debt you didn’t know about, or spending that doesn’t make sense.
Right now, all that matters is enough to get out for a few days.
It’s going to be surprising, no matter what.
You may find there’s debt you didn’t know about, or spending that doesn’t make sense.
Right now, all that matters is enough to get out for a few days.
That’s all you need. Really.
You need ~72 hours of security without monitoring to make contact with police and safe houses, and to get there.
This may be much more difficult if you present as male. I’m really sorry about that — this is the patriarchy hurting men, too.
You need ~72 hours of security without monitoring to make contact with police and safe houses, and to get there.
This may be much more difficult if you present as male. I’m really sorry about that — this is the patriarchy hurting men, too.
Here’s the thing: this is the time to use an AirBnB if you’ve got access to a credit card you can secure behind you. Not all hosts have kept listings active, but even in LA area, there are cottages & separate entrance rooms for under $100 a night.
Denver is running around $50.
Denver is running around $50.
Seattle’s running $50-75.
Las Vegas is running under $50.
Boston is running $60-$100.
DC is under $100 a night.
If you can afford 2 weeks of shelter in place in an AirBnB rental — do it.
Las Vegas is running under $50.
Boston is running $60-$100.
DC is under $100 a night.
If you can afford 2 weeks of shelter in place in an AirBnB rental — do it.
It gives you time to figure out your next move, with assistance of a lawyer, domestic violence counselor & police.
You WILL need all 3, but it’s much easier to locate them if you’re safe ELSEWHERE.
Once you’re safe, a DV counselor will help you navigate your next step to safety.
You WILL need all 3, but it’s much easier to locate them if you’re safe ELSEWHERE.
Once you’re safe, a DV counselor will help you navigate your next step to safety.
If you can’t wrangle a few hundred, you need a good friend. It may be someone you’ve known for years, or that one person on your social media that you’ve clicked with.
I can’t tell you who; I can tell you is that if you ask this person for help, they’re highly likely to give it.
I can’t tell you who; I can tell you is that if you ask this person for help, they’re highly likely to give it.
If it’s not the first person you thought of, well, that’s okay.
The rejection sucks.
Having to go to the ER for a broken jaw or fingers or a bruised esophagus or cerebral hemorrhage sucks a lot more.
And I’m serious here: domestic violence is escalating as lockdown goes on.
The rejection sucks.
Having to go to the ER for a broken jaw or fingers or a bruised esophagus or cerebral hemorrhage sucks a lot more.
And I’m serious here: domestic violence is escalating as lockdown goes on.
Thread broke, because fckn twtr... 
https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1252078181663866881?s=21 https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1252078181663866881
https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1252078181663866881?s=21 https://twitter.com/czedwards/status/1252078181663866881
