A SPIDER TRAPPED IN WAX
Matt Dovey
CW: Emotional abuse
@Pseudopod_org
https://pseudopod.org/2018/12/28/pseudopod-628-a-spider-trapped-in-wax/

This story probably should have been on my top fav list, but the contents are so personally painful my mind blocked out all but the tiniest sliver of remembrance. It’s that good [1/6]

My mother always told me 2 events flipped a switch inside a person. No matter who you wanted to be, the instant 1 of these things happened, your identity would be erased. You would become your parents overnight. Completely altered.

The switches:
Marriage
Having children
[2/6]

I was terrified of marriage. If I hadn’t needed insurance, I don’t think I would have asked Cory to go through with it at all. We’d been together 8 years and it didn’t seem like something we needed. [3/6]

We did a courthouse wedding for $80 with 4 witnesses. My blood relatives were not invited. It didn’t occur to me until over five years later our friends might have wanted to attend. I could not imagine anyone wanting to come to my wedding. My funeral sounded more appealing. [4/6]

Happy to report marriage altered almost nothing in my life except a name change. And while I have no intention to ever have children, working at a school showed me how parental patterns both manifest and can be defeated. There are no switches, only conditioning and choices. [5/6]

Still, I remain afraid of places and roles that have their own gravity. Corrosive influence. I grew up with people stealing my sense of self. The idea every scrap of identity I’ve ever fought for could be erased with a single mistake is a fear I’ll probably always carry. [6/6]