He reminded me that good doctors have skill but the great ones have both skill & a love for humanity & that for now, to be thankful that neither one of us were on the other side of the bed. A little over two years later, Jake himself was the one on the other side of the bed. 3/11

He was now one of our chief residents & had been interviewing for cards fellowship. He had been losing weight, looking tired, but we all knew he had been busy. He kept telling us that he had been busy. One night, after getting home from a flight, he came to our ER w/ SOB. 4/11

he was found to have massive hepatomegaly due to the presence of multiple, terrible masses.We were hoping this was something easy. Or at least easier than what he ended up having. Which I won’t name here because my anger at his particular disease has decided that it’s name.. 5/11

doesn’t deserve a place in this writing about my friend. But what he had was bad & ended up taking his life. It was over the course of that year that our institution watched our friend die. But we also saw him live. He married his beloved Laura that year. He kept teaching 6/11

He kept going to Grand Rounds. His peers, me included, some for the first time, saw the ugliness of death up close. As young doctors, we of course knew people died. But we hadn’t known people who had died. There is a big difference. And it was painful. 7/11

And what was even more shocking to us,on some level, is that we couldn’t save one of our own. Here we were, at one of the best hospitals in the world, with all the technology & treatments at our disposal—our Chair of Medicine at the time was an oncologist-yet Jake got sicker 8/11

We couldn’t cure him. He died. On our watch. All death ultimately is untimely. We lost our friend, son, husband, brother. Those of us who survived lost additional things. Collectively, we lost the deeply held belief that many of us had, that medicine could be our savior. 9/11

What had happened, in part, is that we had made medicine into what theologians call an idol. We had placed unrealistic hope onto something that didn’t deserve it and couldn’t live up to what we had wanted it to. And when our idols come crashing down, it’s painful 10/11

But the right order of things shone out of that darkness. I’ve since grown to understand the limits of medicine that are important to know. I wish I could have come to know this truth in a different way. an easier way. But that wasn’t the way it was meant to be here for me.11/11

PS I received permission from Jake’s dad and widow to share this information