These are the new rules for American cities. Henceforth:

1. No new BRT or LRT lines until all business owners within one (1) mile are given a voucher they can redeem for guaranteed projected growth forever. (Voucher includes subscription to Forbes and license to bookkeeping software of your choice.)

2. No new bike lanes until everyone who drives a truck that is too big for his garage is given equivalently sized public property where he can park his private property for free.

3. No new workforce housing in high-opportunity neighborhoods until the city can triple the width of sewer infrastructure to handle the disproportionate amounts of shitting and pissing of working-class people, especially children.

4. No new parks or greenspaces until all people who are homeless are given one (1) cage, one (1) blanket and one (1) matchbook and trucked to anywhere I won’t see them ever again.

4a. No other people actually coming near me at any time.

5. No new construction of any kind that has been deemed by me to be an eyesore because I was here first and if you don’t like it you should go back where you came from.

6. No changes of any kind in fact without my express written approval and the signatures of the 100 people I forwarded my http://Change.org  petition. No, I’m a divorce attorney. Why do you ask?

7. The city is broke. Why would we spend money on what you believe in when we can’t even spend money on what I believe in?

8. [weeps on the phone to the mayor he golfs with]

9. Because no one will use the thing I will not use, I do not believe that anyone will use it, either. This is why I do not need the thing that I do not want. I mean we. We do not need what I do not want.