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It looks like the winds of fate have aligned in such a way that I should tell everybody my Ben Fogle story.
So here goes...
It was a mild autumn evening, the fallen leaves were dry and crunched underfoot as I trekked through the woods near the village of Mortimer.
/1
So here goes...
It was a mild autumn evening, the fallen leaves were dry and crunched underfoot as I trekked through the woods near the village of Mortimer.
/1
Dappled light that had been filtering through the patchy canopy of trees overhead dwindled.
Dusk had arrived unannounced, my journey's end was at least an hour in the distance. I had to pick up my pace as the ever-creeping darkness promised to disrupt my bearings.
/2
Dusk had arrived unannounced, my journey's end was at least an hour in the distance. I had to pick up my pace as the ever-creeping darkness promised to disrupt my bearings.
/2
The woods shifted into their nighttime cacophony. Birdsong replaced my unseen snuffling in the debris of the forest floor.
The occasional cracking of branches from something larger beginning to stir upset the thumb of my heartbeat.
/3
The occasional cracking of branches from something larger beginning to stir upset the thumb of my heartbeat.
/3
It wasn't fear, but rather a sense of being unsettled.
This wasn't MY world. I didn't fit in amongst the nocturnal domain of the wild I had found myself in.
My pace slowed, as to keep from tripping on the roots that somehow seemed more prevalent than before.
/4
This wasn't MY world. I didn't fit in amongst the nocturnal domain of the wild I had found myself in.
My pace slowed, as to keep from tripping on the roots that somehow seemed more prevalent than before.
/4
Looking down at my feet I could see virtually nothing, but that did little to dissipate the instinctive urge to watch my footing.
At first I didn't notice the dimming sounds of nature, however before long the unnatural silence hung in the air.
/5
At first I didn't notice the dimming sounds of nature, however before long the unnatural silence hung in the air.
/5
No noise is as terrifying as the sheer lack of sound altogether. That empty void of stillness in an environment usually filled with it.
Something was here.
Something unknown.
Something that shook the very foundations of nature itself.
/6
Something was here.
Something unknown.
Something that shook the very foundations of nature itself.
/6
A flash of white no bigger than eight inches across darted across the track Infront of me and down a much less well-trodden path.
I'm not sure what possessed me, be it my inquisitive nature or the grip of forces unknown, but I pursued.
/7
I'm not sure what possessed me, be it my inquisitive nature or the grip of forces unknown, but I pursued.
/7
The bobbing white entity brushed from side to side as it moved, as if inviting me; or perhaps luring me.
My eyes finally adjusted enough to see this disembodied white thing was in fact very much part of a greater whole. A creature.
/8
My eyes finally adjusted enough to see this disembodied white thing was in fact very much part of a greater whole. A creature.
/8
It was a fox, but not in way you or I would think of such an animal. This specimen was a majestic creature, almost regal in appearance
It carried its head with dignity, it's nose angled skywards, commanding respect
Somehow it made not a sound as it traversed the fallen leaves/9
It carried its head with dignity, it's nose angled skywards, commanding respect
Somehow it made not a sound as it traversed the fallen leaves/9
The sounds of my own feet crunching through the undergrowth were mostly drowned out by the pulsing of my heart.
The enclosed trees began to part into a clearing. Wherever we were headed, I knew we must be nearly there.
My instincts told me to run away, yet still I followed/10
The enclosed trees began to part into a clearing. Wherever we were headed, I knew we must be nearly there.
My instincts told me to run away, yet still I followed/10
The moonlight made the clearing relatively well-lit compared to the path I miraculously just walked without tripping.
The fox was no longer the only animal before me. An entire menagerie of different creatures were sat in a circle.
/11
The fox was no longer the only animal before me. An entire menagerie of different creatures were sat in a circle.
/11
Like the fox, all of them were the most impressive of each of their forms.
A badger without a trace of dirt upon it.
A large rabbit completely absent of any fear.
A regal deer with horn of unrivaled majesty.
All gathered together.
/12
A badger without a trace of dirt upon it.
A large rabbit completely absent of any fear.
A regal deer with horn of unrivaled majesty.
All gathered together.
/12
After the fox took it's spot, there was only one place left.
Was this for me?
What had I walked into?
I cautiously shuffled towards the opening. The badger snarled and bayed it's teeth at me, the pigeon flapped and jabbed at the air with it's beak.
/13
Was this for me?
What had I walked into?
I cautiously shuffled towards the opening. The badger snarled and bayed it's teeth at me, the pigeon flapped and jabbed at the air with it's beak.
/13
Clearly this space was not for me. The animals all erupted with noise until I backed off, then they returned to their tranquil patience.
If it wasn't for me, who was it for?
My question was answered by a human figure breaking through the cover of trees.
/14
If it wasn't for me, who was it for?
My question was answered by a human figure breaking through the cover of trees.
/14
They were clothed from head to toe in farmer that had been unmistakably woven from human pubic hair. It's coarse fibres glinting in the moonlight.
The figure took their place in the circle. The animals' mouths opened in excitement and anticipation.
/15
The figure took their place in the circle. The animals' mouths opened in excitement and anticipation.
/15
Everyone remembers stories about satanists in the woods from their childhood, but that was all they were, stories.
But what had I stumbled upon?
The person drew back their hood, the faint illumination from above lighting up their features.
/16
But what had I stumbled upon?
The person drew back their hood, the faint illumination from above lighting up their features.
/16
It was a human face. Not only that, but it was one I recognised.
It was the face of Ben Fogle.
He raised his arms out as if communing with the forest creatures, welcoming them to whatever kind of sick ritual this must be.
/17
It was the face of Ben Fogle.
He raised his arms out as if communing with the forest creatures, welcoming them to whatever kind of sick ritual this must be.
/17
I feared the worst.
I had lost my bearings and were unable to move from panic.
Had I been lured into a ritual sacrifice?
Was celebrity Ben Fogle a Satanist who would end me for hedonistic pleasure with his woodland cabal?
The truth was almost worse.
/18
I had lost my bearings and were unable to move from panic.
Had I been lured into a ritual sacrifice?
Was celebrity Ben Fogle a Satanist who would end me for hedonistic pleasure with his woodland cabal?
The truth was almost worse.
/18
Ben Fogle removed a hitherto unseen pack from his back and began removing items from it.
I suspected implements of torture and murder, and in some ways I was right.
They were numerous copies of his latest book.
/19
I suspected implements of torture and murder, and in some ways I was right.
They were numerous copies of his latest book.
/19
This wasn't a satanic ritual sacrifice I had stumbled upon, but a book signing.
Each animal in turn approached him. He petted them then signed a book before placing it in their Jaws or talons. The pigeon in particular struggled to carry it.
/20
Each animal in turn approached him. He petted them then signed a book before placing it in their Jaws or talons. The pigeon in particular struggled to carry it.
/20
Once each had received it's tome, Mr. Fogle sat down cross-legged and began to read.
He looked up to see me and waved for me to draw closer and listen.
It seemed marginally better than wandering through the woods as a lost soul, so I did.
/21
He looked up to see me and waved for me to draw closer and listen.
It seemed marginally better than wandering through the woods as a lost soul, so I did.
/21
Many chapters later it was over. The animals disappeared back into the undergrowth and I was left alone with Ben Fogle.
I explained my situation, but daren't ask about what I had witnessed.
/22
I explained my situation, but daren't ask about what I had witnessed.
/22
He offered me a lift home of which I accepted. What choice did I really have?
Not a word left my lips as he led me to his 1997 Range Rover about a mile away.
Ben Fogle however would not stop asking me about his book, eliciting only noises of acknowledgment from me.
/23
Not a word left my lips as he led me to his 1997 Range Rover about a mile away.
Ben Fogle however would not stop asking me about his book, eliciting only noises of acknowledgment from me.
/23
Even in the car this continued, I had him drop me off in the village and we parted ways.
I have never before told the story of Ben Fogle and his book signing for the woodland creatures, or of his robe made of public hair
You may not believe me, but I can assure you it's true/24
I have never before told the story of Ben Fogle and his book signing for the woodland creatures, or of his robe made of public hair
You may not believe me, but I can assure you it's true/24
To this day I have never spoken to nor seen Ben Fogle again, but I often lie awake at night wondering whose pubes he used to weave his robe and how long it took him.
/25-END OF THREAD
/25-END OF THREAD
