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in the 8th and 9th grades I fought the hardest battle against myself for my own life, and looking back on it today I’m so glad I did. I’m so glad that I didn’t give up or give in to that part of me who was so willing to lose it all, who believed the pain was forever
in the 9th grade I finally came to terms with the hardest thing I’ve ever had to experience in my life, sexual abuse, in the 8th grade I used unhealthy means to cope, and in the time before I chose to shut it out, yet facing it was the hardest and strongest thing I’ve done
looking back at my childhood and my early teen years I see that I was never okay, I was always hiding what I chose to pretend wasn’t real, but now I live as a person who has experienced the darkest places of my own self and I am no longer afraid
I am no longer hiding who I am and what I feel and why I feel it. I find it pointless now to pretend. There are times I must admit that I pretend for others, but I have since stop lying to myself, I know that I’m not always okay. But I also know I’m strong enough to handle it.
Just after I had finally turned my struggle around I wrote myself a letter. A letter that was for future me to read. A letter that was the reality of my pain. The letter that now is the proof that I won. That I am more powerful than my past. It’s amazing to see
that I did that. Had I let my dark thoughts take me I would never have achieved the person I have become. Of course I am not the strongest person, of course I’m not the best person, but I am someone who is still standing, and that is something I can never have taken from me
so much was, has been, and will continue to be taken from me, and there are things in today’s life that still control me, but there are also victories I’ve had, despite the losses, and that is something I live by
I understand life is hard. I understand that sometimes it feels like it’s too much. I understand that sometimes you don’t want to have to suffer wishing something better will happen eventually. But I am living proof to myself that it is better on the other side.
Although i have won the battles not the war, I am still in it for the sole purpose of making something for me. I am fighting not only myself, but I am fighting for my life, and it is a fight I am not willing to lose.
I made this thread not for pity but for others, as well as me in the future, to see that it’s okay to be hurt and it’s okay to be still fighting but that you will have your victories, and eventually you’ll be on the path to glory.
there is not a day that the fight doesn’t continue. but i have made it 16 years fighting, and I’m not going to give it all up.
