i am a 24-year old man and my mother just told me i can't put a lock on my door because she's afraid i'd have sex.

ma'am do you have any idea how attractive i would have to be to convince a girl to have sex with me in my parents' basement.

a thread.

picture this: i'm at a bar hitting it off with this girl. i somehow have the nerve to look her in the eyes and say, "how about we take this to my parents' place?" of course she says yes.

we get there. i walk her inside and my whole family greets her. after everyone introduces themselves, i take her downstairs to my childhood bedroom. i am shaking with excitement. i literally cannot wait to show her my bug collection and bionicles.

we walk in. she sees my bunk bed and tony hawk posters. at this point she's obviously wet and comes onto me. the ironic part is we're so caught in the moment that we forget to lock the door, which is what this whole thing was about in the first place.

as she's undressing me i make a point to point out my spider-man underwear that my mom bought for me at target. they were even on sale! of course she's already almost to climax but when we're rolling around on the ground i roll onto the pile of legos i was playing with earlier.

the legos do little to slow the momentum, but i would still rather be doing this on a bed so i ask her: top bunk or bottom bunk? top bunk has race car sheets bottom bunk has toy story sheets. that sends her over the edge. she pounces. we have sex. and fall asleep on the floor.

kind of a bummer because we didn't even turn off the lights which means she didn't get to see the glow-in-the-dark stars i put on the ceiling when i was 8. and i didn't even get to show her my bug collection and bionicles... bittersweet day.

while we're asleep my dad comes in, scoops us up, and gently tucks us into bed (good thing we didn't lock the door!). when she wakes up the next morning she looks up at me excitedly from the bottom bunk and says, "WOW! jake! i fell asleep over there! and i woke up in my bed!"

i look down at her from the top bunk. "right?!" i reply with equal enthusiasm. "i don't know how it works, but it's awesome! and here's the thing: if you date me, we could do that EVERY NIGHT." obviously she says yes. we live happily ever after in my parents' basement. the end.