i just wanna say some stuff abt being a lesbian.... this is probs gonna be pretty long bc im gonna vent a lot of shit abt lesbianism for myself so just..... yeah

i realized i liked the same gender when i was like ... 14? but i think i had liked girls for most of my childhood without realizing it, instead i would pick out boys who i had crushes on and obsess over them for awhile. this went on for..... literally years.

i read this thing yesterday or the day before that made me cry it was like this “am i a lesbian? masterdoc” and it just had a lot of things that were like examples of how you can help understand if youre a lesbian. it was so awesome!!! i wish i had saved it

but in there it mentioned something about your relationship with feelings towards men vs. towards women and like ............. i resonated so fucking hard!! i was such a victim to compulsory heterosexuality (comphet) growing up and i never understood that certain feelings i was..

..having was just because of being GAY!!!!!! like not just in my YOUTH youth but my teenage years especially..... in fact, a big game changer for me was... MIDDLE SCHOOL.

i started middle school in 2009 (i think) and that was also the first encounter i had with gay people MY OWN AGE. a lot of people were beginning to discover their sexualities at my school and i was very fascinated lol. i had a lot of gay friends (both m and f)

and the biggest game changer was in the eighth grade (age 13) i discovered HOMESTUCK. god DAMMIT. and that’s also when i got onto tumblr which was .... how tumblr in 2012 was. but also,,. this is when i started encountering MORE gay content.

and i was sooooo like... idk how to describe it besides this *_* . i was surrounded by gay people and things lol!! but i was in deep deep denial because of one specific conversation when i was 12 with my bestie at the time where i got really embarrassed after saying something GAY

so i decided to NEVER be gay. it wasnt rly a conscious decision i was just one of those straight girls who was like “i am literally not gay. i fully support it, but it aint me. i think girls are so beautiful and magical and all women are queens but i would never date one.”

until i was 15...... and i was a THEATRE KID. yes. i was both a homestuck and a theatre kid. i am coming out. this is my coming out post.

obviously im kidding.... this post was because im losing my mind right now alone in my room and needed to vent all of my feelings into this website because why not

okay so. i was 15. i had just gotten out of my first relationship with a boy who i decided i liked because we had a lot of classes together and he was tall. i really had a crush on a girl in my class but we were both het and so i decided to date this christian boy instead.

we dated for an entire calendar year and up until my current relationship that was my longest relationship to date !!!! we broke up bc we had literally nothing in common. now in my sophomore year of hs, i became a theatre kid and started kissing girls at cast parties. it was cool

then i got involved with a really REALLY shitty man and im not gonna get into that ;-) but this was when i started messing around with boys who ended up really damaging my brain but this is what i thought i was supposed to do so i was like .... ok cool

then ... that summer..... i got my FIRST GIRLFRIEND!!! it was awesome. she was a couple years older than me and we didnt go to the same school and she was a model so i thought she was the coolest person ever. we only dated for like 3 months and i was too scared to be physical

when we broke up, i picked out a couple more boys to obsess over and romanticize and break my own heart over. i was obsessed w that pattern. i think its why im so into otome games nowadays.... always been so fascinated with het romance!!

my junior year i also had my next girlfriend and i think they were one of the only people who i actually had feelings for growing up. we were a power lesbian couple. they were a senior and i was a junior. it was pretty sweet

girl day vs boy day vs i think this was like an in between day and the last pic i just thought was funny so i wanted to throw it in there. i was 16 in these. i look sooooo mf GAYYYYYY it cracks me upp

and i was so gay!!! i love this era of my life bc i was really living as myself and learning abt myself and it was great. i was learning what being nonbinary was while also being in a cute relationship (which i was super scared of) and just. existing

but then we broke up that summer and then i started messing around w boys again and ended up acquiring some TRAUMA which was really awesome :-) and then my senior year (17) i got into this suuuuper intense relationship with someone who was 3.5 years older than me

it was bad!!! it was so intense and i was so obsessed with them and it was just... a really weird time of my life that i dont want to get into. hehe

but after that relationship i started serial dating. i would, like always, pick people and decide i was obsessed with them and then it would die and i would do it again. i was 18 at this point and was going to community college.

also around/after my trauma i had started identifying as a boy. i dont think it was necessarily BECAUSE of my trauma, but i think it was largely because i felt like the feminine/female parts of me were tainted and i didnt identify with them anymore

WOW i cant believe im saying all of this when literally no one asked me to

anyways. i identified as a trans boy for several years, from like late 2015 until the end of last year. so like 4 years!!! and it was so wild because i felt like with identifying as a man i had something to prove to the world and to myself.

i dont really know what it was. also i wanna say again my experience is VERY DIFFERENT FROM EVERYONE ELSES so like dont go around thinking all lesbians/trans people are trans/gay because of trauma bc that is simply not true

for myself, i went soooo disgusted with my womanhood than i straight up transitioned into an entire man!!! i was on testosterone for almost 2 years!! and i got top surgery!! but we will get to that......

this story is getting really off track so im gonna bring us to my real lesbian awakening which is my current relationship with my partner asher!! heres a pic of us on our first irl date

we met on tinder during my dating spree of 2017 but we never met in person, just became mutuals and didnt talk much. but we started really talking at the start of 2019 because we discovered we both love kpop and mystic messenger

then we fell in LOVE HARDDD even tho we lived in different cities we had found each other’s other halves and its pretty awesome. we live together now and we are engaged :-) this is us now

jesus christ i just scrolled through all of this i didnt realize how much ive written.... i was like *hits bong* time to articulate every moment of my life for all of my twitter followers, none of which asked for this

anyway..... moving on

SO asher is nonbinary, specifically agender, and i initially identified as a trans man when we started dating. i had never fully aligned with that label, it was just what i decided would be easiest to come out as. i think i have always felt nonbinary and have had a super complex

relationship with my gender identity. being with asher helped me explore that more and realize that i do NOT identify as a man at all!!! i do, however, identify with masculine parts of myself. the same way i also identify with the feminine parts!! asher helped me realize that

i exist beyond the notions of male or female!!! and that i dont need to prove anything to anyone!!!! i started having this realizations after top surgery, which was also one of the best things to ever happen to me.

i had a LOT of chest dysphoria and getting top surgery helped me finally feel like the person i was meant to be. which also helped me realize i wasnt a man! usually men after top surgery have a feeling of “being the MAN they always wanted to be” but i didnt feel that way at all

(obv not all ppl have the same experience again im not trying to speak for anyone else ) top surgery WAS THE BEST DAMN THING I EVER DID!!!!!!!! i felt so released afterwards and i feel so much more comfortable in my body now. this also helped me with my identity so much

because i realized that the end goal with my transition was not being a man, it was top surgery. a couple months after surgery, i stopped testosterone and started fully identifying as nonbinary which is how i identify now

BUT ELLIOTT, WHAT DOES ANY OF THAT HAVE TO DO WITH BEING A LESBIAN?????????

OK SO SOME OF MY WONDERFUL MUTUALS LINKED ME TO THE DOC!!!! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1I6qGAzzibnRJFin_c8U2OBm0588M-V0NmfobQnRii44/mobilebasic

asher and i had been thinking and talking abt a lot of the things that this document covers for several months before i discovered it (which was literally two days ago) and before we came out as lesbians. discussing stuff like comphet, complex relations w gender identity, etc.

and when the words “am i a lesbian?” actually exited my mouth, i was SHOCKED when the answer was yes. i was also completely RELIEVED. oh thank god!!!! thank god!!!! everything seemed to make sense to me now, i felt so relieved. i also had a friend who helped me realize a lot

of this stuff, who was also a nb lesbian. we dont talk anymore but i am so grateful for their impact on my life!!!!!! when i finally was able to tease out this idea for myself i felt SO RELIEVED I CANT STOP SAYING THAT!!!! i think this was november 2019. age 21 for reference

anyways. i am still very much learning about what it means to be a lesbian but i also wanna say i would NOT know i was a lesbian if not for twitter!!!!! god damn!!!!! even a year ago i didnt even know what a nonbinary lesbian WAS let alone that i am one.

i feel so liberated in knowing im a lesbian!!!!! in knowing that all of these feelings over the years have an explanation!!!! in knowing that my complex relationship with gender and sexuality make SENSE to me now.

i know this thread has been all over the place and there is one explanation...

but umm i doubt anyone read this far but i really just felt like going over all of these events for myself bc im having a weird day mentally and am also processing the “am i a lesbian?” doc. so i just wanted to share and maybe some people can relate or enjoy my story hehe