In this thread, I will livetweet my own @allthetalksconf talk. If I'm trapped talking to a camera instead of an audience, I may as well experiment with the medium... #allthetalks

For context if you're not watching the talk, this talk is called "Corey Quinn reads mean tweets." The twist is that the mean tweets are entirely mine, as I'm cleaning out my Drafts folder. Here we go:

IBM has had two brand name projects in the past century: Watson, and the holocaust. I don't think that @ibmcloud is shaping up to be the third.

Kubernetes solves a bunch of business problems, according to folks who think "which container runtime do I use" is a business problem.

The @awscloud partners sticking up for AWS's behavior in the open source world feels like AWS trotting out hostages who're badly suffering from Stockholm syndrome.

They say the best characters never develop. If that's true, then why do I instinctively mute the folks who keep saying "serverless runs on servers?"

If you bill yourself as a Full Stack Developer in your résumé, you're going to hate the interview questions I ask you about device drivers.

If your think Google is condescending, wait until you see the bill you get when you exceed the AWS free tier. You should have been smarter. Some people tell me I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

I'm so annoyed by the internal @awscloud pronunciation of AMI that I've started countering with my own pronunciations of PostgreSQL (post-gruh-squeal), API (ah-pee), and GiraffeDB.

Ever notice that if you want to get hired at AWS you have to implement QuickSort on the whiteboard, but absolutely none of their services are ever sorted in anything approaching logical order?

Given Elastic's complete reversal on "maintaining goodwill with their community" via lawsuits, I'm starting to view their CEO @kimchy as dollar-store-brand Larry Ellison, only without the redeeming parts.

Slack sure does run their gums an awful lot about how to work remotely for a company that was entirely anti-remote themselves until they were forced to change that.

Azure's had a lot of capacity shortfalls lately because they're as surprised as anyone that companies took "the Microsoft cloud" seriously.

If all you ever do is pivot, eventually all you're capable of is sitting and spinning. It feels mean to tag @pivotal in this tweet, but I'm still going to do it.

COVID19 relief is great and all, but I hope @snyksec embezzles a bit of money from @alltalksconf and uses it to buy a vowel so I can figure out how the hell their name is pronounced.

You used to be able to win free drinks by answering ridiculous trivia questions correctly. Nowadays if you get the trivia correct, you get a job offer at @google.

It's called "serverless" because AWS legal shot down its original name of "screw you, build it your damned self."

Amazon Chime is globally federated, which means that Chime users can talk to other Chime users from different companies. This is a forward looking feature to a day when Amazon Chime gets a second paying customer.

Watching @awscloud and @azure have benchmark wars is like watching two nerds have the world's most ineffective playground slap fight over which one of them is going to get to ask the teacher to the school dance.

The longer this pandemic drags on, the better the technology decisions companies make. This is entirely due to the lack of executive exposure to enterprise software ads in airports.

The folks at giant ad tech companies are going so stir crazy that they're volunteering to build and release location tracking technology for free.

The entire point of the AWS marketplace is to do an end run around your company's shitty procurement department. The best part is that any company name in the world could conceivably be an AWS service name, so Procurement will never catch on.

AWS CEO @ajassy didn't spring fully formed from the forehead of some god. He started off in Amazon marketing. That's right, he's the original Systems Manager Marketing Manager.

VMware remains the payday lender of technical debt.

There are kind, empathetic, warm, inspirational people who work at @Oracle. HR is trying to root them out as fast as they can.

If you ever want to sabotage @awscloud, all you have to do is give them a puppy, then tell them to name it. Six more months of no feature releases coming up!

It's going to be a while before tech conferences come back in person. Other than @petecheslock's lightning talk about the Vasa, I can't think of another talk I'd be willing to risk my life to attend in person.

IBM bought Red Hat because that's what all the cool kids are into these days. Someday we're going to have to find better phrasing for this than " @IBM found dead on the toilet, straining for relevance."

Maybe it's already happened. @IBM is one of those companies that could go out of business tomorrow and some of its divisions wouldn't hear about it for another five years.

I'm reading Microsoft's 10-K filing with the SEC, and I can't find the risk factor of "people might take us seriously when we call ourselves a hyper scale public cloud so @Azure gets full."

The first big in person tech conference after the pandemic subsides will mostly be attended by staff that the C-suite determines are the most expendable. Please prove me wrong. Sorry, badge-scanning attack interns: you're the tribute.

Raise your hand if you have a friend who works for @Apple. I obviously can't see you, but that's okay because nobody has a friend who works for Apple. We instead used to have friends who went to work for Apple and then we just kinda lost touch.

Amazon is fanatically devoted to diversity. True, their executive leadership or "S" team (and this is true!) has fewer women on it than "guys named Jeff," but at least their APIs are incredibly diverse between @awscloud services.

If you think you're past your prime and no longer attractive to anyone, try becoming an @Oracle customer. Nobody has ever been more interested in screwing you.

It's a mystery why Zoom is what everyone is using to chat instead of Google's offerings of Hangouts Chat, Hangouts Meet, Google Talk, Huddle, Allo, Hangouts, Duo, Buzz, Wave, Google Voice, Messages, Spaces, or this year's version: Google Chat.

The most savage attack ad I've ever seen was that time that @Zoom_us bought everyone a month of @webex and suggested they use it.

I feel like we fell into a time warp into the distant past this year. Suddenly everyone's talking about COBOL, there's a global plague, and @mattstratton went to work for Red Hat.

One of the real victims of this pandemic is @jpaulreed. Air travel is way down, and now he'll have nothing to give conference talks about.

I make a lot of jokes about using Route 53 as a database. For the record, Route 53 is NOT a database, but then again neither is @redislabs.

When I first started my company I was worried that @awscloud would fix the bills and drive me out of business. Four years in I'm now worried that they never will.

Every day I check the list of cancelled things in the vain hope that "Kubernetes" is on the list.

At moments like this I wonder what world we'd live in if more of the greatest minds of our generation had gone into medicine instead of trying to figure out how to get people to click more ads.

Where do you think you'll be when a COVID19 vaccine is announced? If you're a VC you'll probably be writing a self-congratulatory Medium post.

An awful lot of folks are spending eight grand on video and audio equipment without stopping to think whether anyone cares what they have to say.

If I ever need to look busy in an office again, I'll install a Windows 95 VM, fire up Disk Defragmenter, and tell my boss I'm rebalancing Kubernetes workloads in the datacenter.

I'm repurposing conference t-shirts to make masks, but there are some exceptions. Look, I'm not saying I'd rather die than wear a @Splunk mask, just that I'd have to think about it for a minute first.

The climate right now is starting to recover as carbon emissions are way down across the board. People aren't driving, plus Softbank has stopped shoveling money into the dumpster volcano that is WeWork.

Not to spoil things for anyone, but if you watch until the end of Netflix, the boss at the end is SUPER hard.

To be very clear: I'm not saying that Larry Ellison would strangle a puppy to death just to watch it suffer. I'm saying he actually did it, and the puppy's name was Sun Microsystems.

I think it really says something profoundly messed up about our society that "essential workers" is just a rebranding of "people without health insurance."

If you have no idea what either of these things are, you'd think that the Amazon Global Accelerator and the Microsoft Reactor were in a race to see which could ruin the planet first. Also nobody knows what the hell either of those things are.

Burning Man is cancelled this year, proving that if you look hard enough, there really is a silver lining to everything.

The nutters have started talking about how 5G is a conspiracy that's killing people and causing the coronavirus, and the most ridiculous thing about that entire spiel is that the government would be that competent about anything.

The Superbowl, GDPR, and COVID19 have one thing in common. Unfortunately that thing is "serve as an excuse for that company you bought a hinge from in 2008 to email you again."

"Ahmee vs. AMI, JSON vs YAML, Serverless vs. Containers, vim vs. Emacs, tabs vs. spaces" No matter where you stand on these issues we can agree on one thing. It's better to scream at strangers about these things than it is to do our actual jobs.

This concludes my Twitter Drafts folder spring cleaning.