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My lil Padawan turns 7 today. My sis came to my room to tell me the story cos she could swear it all happened yesterday. She was all tears and all mushy... I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl
So, this child birth of a thing, Do it only if you’re a crackhead! It’s scary and very painful... but there are so many options to try and make you come out of it alive. So, if you’re a pregnant somebody out there, don’t be scared. You don’t enter am already, you’ll come out fine
11th April, the heavens opened and energy descended on me like I had just sniffed coke. I mopped the whole apartment, cooked 3 different soups, and even peeled beans for akara. After all of that, I was still feeling so energetic, I started skipping. I shit you not.
I skipped 4 days to delivery. Ashey, it was hormonal skamanje because come 12th April 2013, my belly started cramping up like I was on my worst period, I wanted to shit, I wanted to pee, and the weather was hot and cold at the same time.
So I told my MIL and my ex I wasn’t feeling right. I went to pee and I could see the mucus plug thingy, so we walked down to the private hospital close to the house. This is the beginning of the parts no one tells you about.
This weird looking doctor came into the exam room with a set of interns, asked me to lie down, and stuck his fingers into my hoo-haa without seeking consent. I protested and they laughed at me. I looked around and did the maths...These ones want to use me to learn work ni.
The doctor said It would be a couple hours. I begged my people to take me to the hospital where I was registered. It’s was a long distance but I promised them I wouldn’t born the pikin inside traffic. That will be tomorrow they said. So I focused on holding it in all night.
Lol! Now that I think about it, I actually believed that was the worst night of my life. Tossing and turning, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t breathe... I probably went to the bathroom 47 times that night. Any hoo, Sunday April 14, 6am we set out.
We got to the other hospital by 8am, and they wasted no time checking me in... they did the sticking finger in thingy too like 5 times. That shit hurt. And everytime you’ll be hearing “3cm, 3cm... we are going for 10cm”.
I lost all appetite for food. (at this point, if they offer you food, collect cos a time will come you won’t be allowed to take anything. I literally begged to lick water and no one answered me.)
I was in pain, and everytime I went to pee, they asked me not to grunt if I felt like it. Apparently, there’s a probability to shotput the baby in the toilet. Oh well, apart from kicking me in the guts, my kid wasn’t in a hurry at all.
Sunday night fell, baby dinor come. Trust me, all the while, despite the pain, I was gistingwith my sister, pausing mid convo to clench her hands everytime that blinding pain came. She kept saying “why are you not doing oooh!! Aaah, like Nollywood”, and we both laughed,
That night, I got a room mate. It was her third child. I disliked her immediately she walked in because her pacing, crying and shouting “Eleda mi sanu mi, Jesu sanu mi o” was giving me anxiety. I just wanted to sleep just a lil bit but one of the nurses on duty came to diss me
She was like “see your mate crying and praying. You, you’re sleeping. It’s like you’re not ready”... chai! I got so scared I started shouting “eleda mi sanu mi” too. I had nothing else to add to it, it was insincere, but it got the nurses off my back.
Morning came, they did the sticky fingering thing again and I was still at 3cm. At this point, my baby was in distress so they decided I must born it by force.
I was wheeled into the delivery room, I didn’t feel like pushing, but every time the shouted at me, I’d start grunting.
I was wheeled into the delivery room, I didn’t feel like pushing, but every time the shouted at me, I’d start grunting.
We were there till past 10am. Nothing happened. Me that I’ve been like shey they won’t open my tummy and let’s get this over with, the moment the senior doctor suggested a sectioning like this, I jumped at it.
But the Pastor matron and minister doctor will not hear of it. “It’s good to birth like the Hebrew woman” they kept saying. In my mind I was like “eyin ati tani Hebrew?” The doctor stepped out to seek family consent after I’d given consent and guess what? Matron Locked the door
She jumped on my chest, and I think she was trying to do that thing where you use peristaltic movement to push a lump out of a rubber pipe. My baby was the lump, and I was the pipe. She was pressing and massaging,
I actually had to start forming “take me to the OR or I’m die” before she let go. I guess she was pushing for a miracle. Sorry to disappoint. After few minutes of prepping, they wheeled me into the OR, injected me, and asked me to count backwards.
I thought they were testing how smart I was. Guy, I was knocked out before I reached 3. I started dreaming of space ships and Obi-won. I woke up and I had a baby and a sore uterus. I couldn’t roll over, sit up or pick him up, so I started shouting Padawan, padawan from 2ft away.
I left out a whole bunch... the drips. The injections... and the fact that my baby was in so much distress it affected his cognitive development. He didn’t speak till he was 4. But hey! That was just the beginning of our adventure. Here’s the Padawan...honestly, 7 looks good
