His name was Maria. I met him at one of those hippie-like bars on Longstreet while out for a few drinks with a girlfriend. It was a Wednesday (I know what day of the week it was bc we didn’t have classes on Thursdays & used Wednesday nights to go out), so the bar wasn’t packed.

My friend, a beautiful Coloured girl who was also studying media & I had at this point figured out how to get free drinks. We just had to pretend we were lesbians in a relationship & guys would order drinks, hoping for a threesome. That night wasn’t any different. Boys are stupid

Back to Maria. His parents were Spanish but he was born & raised in PE. Surprisingly good looking, for a geeky looking guy who spoke English with an irritating American accent & told corny jokes. Anyway, I wasn’t interested, but he was buying drinks that night, so I didn’t care.

I didn’t remember giving him my digits, but apparently I had bc the next day he was pestering me via SMS. I ignored him, until I told my girl about his messages & she insisted I respond. Since she was more excited by the exchange, I let her chat to him while pretending to be me.

For a while there it was going well, my girl & Mario chatted every time we were on campus. That was until homeboy insisted we go on a date. Now we have ourselves a situation bc I wasn’t interested in seeing him again & the girl who was interested did not have my face.

So my girl proposed that she tags along to the date, unannounced of course. The plan was to tell him I didn’t feel safe enough yet & so decided to bring along my girl. I really didn’t wanna go, but my girl was feeling him. Hard. So I eventually caved in.

Sorry guys, my autocorrect keeps changing Mario to Maria. He name is Mario. That isn’t even an alias. That’s legit his first name.

I digress.

Fast forward to the date & you can clearly see who this date was meant for. Mario dressed up, while my homegirl showed up all dolled up... I’m talking short, sexy dress, high heels, makeup, freshly straightened hair, etc. Me? I had on a t-shirt & sneakers yazi. Lol.

An hour in & I’m ready to fucking go. When I wasn’t yawning, I was getting annoyed that every sentence out of Mario’s mouth ended with “and whatnot.” I was convinced my girl was also bored to death, so I pulled her to the ladies room so that we can hatch our escape plan.

Only to get to the toilet & this hoe is enjoying the date

“Omg, isn’t he just the smartest guy ever? I hope you don’t mind, but I really like him. Would you be offended if I flirted with him?”

TF?!!!!

We return to the table & I immediately excuse myself so that the lovebirds can have their space. Luckily, it was one of those long street restaurants with a dance floor on the far end & so I could go dance my frustration away.

This was not what I signed up for.

When I eventually returned to our table, I find my girl on Mario’s lap in a heavy make-out session. I’m slightly annoyed at this point that she doesn’t find him as irritating as I do, especially since she is very picky & finds even the coolest guy to be a snooze fest. Argh.

This time she pulls me to the ladies room.

“He wants me to go to his place, but I don’t wanna be alone with him yet. Please come with me. Pleeeaaaase. Pleeeeaaaaasssssseeee.”

An hour later we were at Mario’s single floor loft bachelor pad. Clearly from a rich family.

The two lovebirds continue their make out session on his couch, but Mario must have been feeling sorry for me being a third wheel on my date bc he called one of his friends & invited him over.

Just when I thought the night couldn’t get any worse for me, in walks Thabo.

Thabo was the childhood friend that probably wouldn’t have been a friend had him & Mario not been neighbours in PE growing up with parents from the same social circles.

In hindsight, he probably was a good guy, but he found me at my wits end, so it was a recipe for disaster.

Thabo’s entire presence annoyed me. His jokes. His stories. The way he would point at Mario in anticipation for laughter whenever he cracked another lame joke.

Eventually we ran out of booze & Thabo, who lived in the same complex, suggested getting a bottle from his place.

“Wanna tag along?” came the question.

Of course I didn’t wanna go anywhere with him, but my girl was looking at me with those desperate “please don’t say no” looks & so I indulged her.

The guy spoke all the way to his pad, which felt like it was an entire block away.

We couldn’t have been gone for more than 20 minutes when I opened the door to Mario’s place & right across the room on the couch where we left them, caught his balls swinging. Balls just swinging.

I immediately close the door again. “Ermm, you won’t wanna go in there.”

Before a confused Thabo could ask me why, my girl’s loud pleasure screams filled the corridor.

She moaned & screamed & said some nasty shit I wouldn’t dream of repeating here.