Enough has been written/spouted/pontificated on/hot-taked (taken? took?) re: the whole "productivity during quarantine" thing the to choke a monkey but I find it very telling how much of it comes from folks able to devote themselves almost full time to their work before all this.

"You don't have to do the thing! Self care!"

Self care is me with 1 hour between shows on a Saturday during a normal week of my life and a backpack full of stuff I brought to work on and I'm already too tired to think so I curl up with ramen and Brooklyn 99 in my office.

Like, are we really playing like artists who work on stolen time haven't been juggling "self care" with a need to pay bills AND create BEFORE all this is?

I know all this comes from a kind place, from either side, but, personally, I WILL feel very disappointed in myself if I don't have something to show for this time. I've been paralyzed by anxiety. My depression has mercifully not crept in (thank you pills).

I'm in a weirdly privileged position at the moment (for me). I don't HAVE to work during this time. I'm taken care of for the moment. It sucks that it comes with all the anger and frustration and anxiety and sadness that this pandemic has brought down.

I love writing and making stuff. My head is full of stuff I feel like I never have the time to do. I'd like to think I'm capable of accomplishing some of that because when the engine kicks on again, I have no way of knowing if I'll be able to do eke out the time.

And, for what it's worth, I do have a condition that makes me vulnerable to this bug. I don't feel like I should clarify that I know people who are vulnerable because who doesn't. I spent a week of this listening to my own heartbeat 24/7. I can't read stories about it anymore.

In some ways, this pandemic and all that comes with it has just replaced my day job(s) as an obstacle to my own work. And yes, we should forgive ourselves for not being able to work during, say, a sustained, week-long panic attack or the sudden agoraphobia that has set in.

But there's a balance. I mean, this thread is the most substantial thing I've written all week. I don't know if I'm the only creative person frustrated by both sides of this in-stereo cheerleading. But, there it is. It all comes back to undervaluing of the arts, I guess.

Anyway, if you're reading this and you're pressuring yourself to get the next thing done before you have to go back to wondering when you can get the thing started but everything feels insurmountable? I feel you. That's it.