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Crisis as a TEWV patient.
(T: suicide incl ref method)
(T: suicide incl ref method)
I am very sad and upset today.
This time last year I was getting intrusive & overwhelming suicidal thoughts. I& #39;ve had bipolar disorder for over a decade. I know when I am at risk. When I asked TEWV for help I was fighting for my life.
This time last year I was getting intrusive & overwhelming suicidal thoughts. I& #39;ve had bipolar disorder for over a decade. I know when I am at risk. When I asked TEWV for help I was fighting for my life.
They dismissed me. Their attitude was that I was attention seeking. That providing me with usual suicide prevention methods would not be helpful.
That was entirely untrue.
That was entirely untrue.
They told me I had capacity to kill myself. They told me people kill themselves in hospital all the time so hospital would be no help. They didnt record in my medical record that they said that though - they know it was unacceptable to say to a patient.
When I went up to the railway bridge to kill myself they were concerned that I called the & #39;wrong& #39; crisis team rather than that I was on an 80ft bridge.
I called the & #39;right& #39; crisis team and spoke to them for a while from the bridge. I found out later they didnt call the police.
I said goodbye to them. I couldnt endure whatever dumb small talk they were waffling in rigid pursuit of their ineffective & #39;distraction& #39; policy. Literally be about to kill yourself & all TEWV are interested in is whether you prefer Coke or Pepsi.
I said goodbye to TEWV. Then I called the police because that was part of my suicide plan.
Overdose is unreliable so I had suicide plan to jump off a high bridge but I wanted to minimise pain to others - do it at night when no one is around, call the police so only professionals see the body.
So I called the police and then I couldnt do it because I cldnt guarantee that I wld die. Jumping 80ft onto concrete is a pretty good guarantee but not certain. I thought it was enough of a guarantee, that the odds of death were good enough but when it came to it they werent.
I just couldnt. I am good at visualising & could viscerally imagine hitting the ground, being crushed but not dead. Taking ages to die or not dying at all. I cldnt kill myself because I might not die or might be conscious for a long time while dying. Suicidal ppl feel fear too.
TEWV, as far as I can tell, clocked this up to more attention-seeking. As far as I know not a single staff who were aware I was on a bridge, that this was my recorded suicide plan, who didnt call the police, who passed the buck - not a single one has been held to account.
TEWV formal policy makes clear the Trust supports patient suicides (or & #39;death by misadventure& #39; as staff like to minimise) in the interests of positive (outcome) risk taking. Sadly staff dont seem to care about patient consent to that.
TEWV had every opportunity to support me, to help me fight a severe mental illness, to prevent my suicide...but if I had gone ahead with it the chance of any of them taking responsibility for their role in a preventable suicide is, in my view, zero.
Every suicidal TEWV patient who doesnt kill themselves whether because they successfully overcome an ill brain on their own despite TEWV or because their attempt doesnt work or because like me they are ultimately too scared they wont die sadly, I believe, simply reinforces TEWV.
TEWV staff dont learn how harmful, cruel and negligent their behaviour is because when patients dont die it just reinforces, I believe, staff views that it was attention seeking or & #39;trying to shock& #39;.
If pts do die, TEWV staff dont learn because, I believe, official policy & attitudes from leadership & staff understanding of messages from TEWV clinical psychologists encourages view that pts suicide (or alleged misadventure) is unpreventable or an acceptable trade-off.
So today I am sad.
I am glad because I& #39;m alive despite TEWV.
But I am sad because other pts wont have been so lucky. I am sad - and frustrated - because other pts past, present and future will be meeting with similar attitudes, similar cruelty.
I am glad because I& #39;m alive despite TEWV.
But I am sad because other pts wont have been so lucky. I am sad - and frustrated - because other pts past, present and future will be meeting with similar attitudes, similar cruelty.